Not Letting This Go

It has definitely been a long time since I have posted an entry.  Life has gotten in the way which is a good thing.  Treatments are finished, Dr appointments are minimal, genetic testing is over (all negative,) busy with work,  and duties between Ladysmith and Ottawa.

Organizing the fundraiser has certainly taken up much more time than even I ever imagined.  It has consumed any spare time I had, and more.  There have been tears shed, sleepless nights and frustrations vented.  As much as I try to remind myself of the words I wrote in my last entry with regards to my God child's fundraising campaign; it often gets forgotten.

Now I need to get something off my chest.

Yesterday I was at a store, promoting our event, women in film,  the Cancer Foundation and cancer care in the Ottawa area.  We had a display set up with some information and the purpose was to talk about what we were doing and why we were doing it.  Of course I keep tickets for sale in my purse at all times but also know people would not make such an impulse purchase so the intention was not to make people buy tickets on the spot.

Having worked trade shows, handing out flyers, etc for various things over the years, I am accustomed to people hurrying past, avoiding eye contact while saying "No thanks."  It is the name of the game. They are unaware of who you are, what you are doing and there is a fear that you will try to sell them something.

I approached one man yesterday who brushed past me and very abruptly and, in my opinion, very rudely said "No. I'm not interested!"  To which I retorted; "Well I hope you never need their services."

Now I had his undivided attention.

He stopped, turned and said "I give back many ways.  What a horrible thing to say."  And he kept walking.

He returned a few moments later.  At this point I was speaking with a woman who lost her husband to cancer and whose sister had breast cancer.  I interrupted her and turned to the man and said "I owe this man an apology."

He asked for my name and when I told him; he replied "I'm not letting this go."

Obviously, neither am I as I have spent the last 24 hours thinking about this altercation.

After more thought, I feel the need to clarify what I am apologizing for.  This is my cause and although cancer has touched almost every single person I have met; it doesn't have to be everyone else's cause.  I have no clue who this person is and what his story is.  He may passionately contribute to another great cause that has touched the lives of him and his family.  Maybe he was having a bad day.  Maybe the tone he used with me is how he communicates.  I don't know.

I was raised in an era, where if you were not polite to your elders, you got a good spanking. How I handled the situation was not right and when I am wrong; will admit to it.  Being a better person, requires practice and improvement.  I'm fallible.  So I readily admitted to him that I was wrong. However, I was also raised to stand up for my beliefs, defend myself.  If someone is rude to me, I don't hang my head and shy away.  Its not in my nature.

So this entry is my way of putting out my apology and explanation into the universe in hopes that it may reach him.

I apologize for the bad timing of my comment and for my motivation of saying it. For a split second I instinctively felt the urge to defend my cause.  I  will admit the delivery was a retaliation to him just "not being interested" in cancer care.

Planning this fundraiser was my and Jennifer's way of helping many people at one time.  On Friday, I had passed by the chemo unit at the hospital.  I believe every single bed and chair was full. My heart went out to all of them.

 We selected the Cancer Foundation because they provide funding for research, counselling  and many other services that are not just for the patient but also their loved ones who are as equally affected.  The Cancer Foundation is bound by geographical limits so they not provide support to our Ottawa friends and families but also in the Pontiac.  I will admit that this fundraiser is part of a sub concious healing process for me, in that I can find a purpose behind my diagnosis.

Therefore,  I will NOT apologize for my words spoken to him

"I hope you never need their services."

It is NOT a horrible thing to say.  In fact, my regret is that I wish I had said it to everyone who passed by me.

I never hope anyone has sit through two weeks of emotional and psychological hell, only to be told "Yup, you have cancer."

I never hope a child looks their parents in the eye and says "I have cancer" and subsequently watches their emotions

I never hope anyone has to put their life on hold to receive treatments.

I never hope for anyone to be cancer free but always in the back of their head, have a fear of it returning and wonder if every ache and bump could be cancer.

I never hope for anyone to hold the hand of their breast cancer buddy while at the funeral for their  young friend with two small children who lost their cancer battle that seemed perfectly healthy three weeks earlier.

I never hope anyone calls the widow of a friend who lost his battle while she explains the final weeks of her husbands life.  Expressing his anger, his desire "to do things differently," securing all affairs, expressing "funeral wishes,"  the incoherence caused by the pain medication and his final moments.

I never hope anyone receives a call from a scared friend who is being tested for cancer and as they try to assure them everything will be alright;  says;"I don't think I can handle treatments.  I want to run away and die alone."

I never hope anyone reaches out to a high school friend whom you have not spoken to in years, after receiving news they are stopping his father's cancer treatments to offer emotional support.

I truly and sincerely hope that this man or anyone else will never require support, treatments, services related to cancer.

I'm not letting go until I have touched, helped and supported as many people as God will let me.