Avoiding the "What Ifs"

Now that I am half way through radiation, things are running a bit more efficiently.  I find I do not wait as long for a machine and have realized, I should do a little shopping in the neighbourhood of the hospital, etc to kill time during rush hour, before heading home.  I have my routine down to an almost science.  Hop on the bed, crack a few jokes and get the show on the road.

Sometimes the technicians play music.  I have not brought any music to share as they probably would not enjoy my selections and the actual radiation takes less time than most songs.  One day, Mr Tambourine Man by Bob Dylan was playing.  For someone who enjoys good 80s hair metal, having to lie still and listen to Dylan’s whiny voice was the equivalent to Chinese water torture.  Other tunes include hits from the Bee Gees or Cold Play and have been better selections for me.

Speaking of lying still, I noticed mesh masks on a wall behind me.  They are for people receiving radiation to the head area.  Masks are fitted to the patient in order to keep their head perfectly still, as they do not want any other vital organs hit.  Now that is scary stuff for a whole lot of reasons, including the whole claustrophobic aspect.  You never have to look far for someone who has it worse than you.

So far the skin has become red and a little bit of pain but nothing worse than the time I spent an afternoon in Miami, on the beach wearing an SPF 8 oil…..That was an incredibly dumb idea.

I have even met a few new cancer vixens!  When you visit the same waiting room every day, you are bound to start a conversation.  I notice that I tend to gravitate towards women who appear to be my age and I am fascinated by everyone’s story.

Over Victoria Day weekend, I had a few family members and friends over for the first bonfire of the season.  What a fantastic night!  It was chilly but at least the stayed bugs away.  All the kids had an excellent time just running around in the back yard with a soccer ball.  Brigitte brought over the most amazing popcorn (which does not help losing the 25 lbs I gained during chemo) and my God Child, Delaney has decided she wants to move to my farm.

My cousin's son commented that he forgot what I look like with hair....You know what?  So do I

After everyone left and as I was bringing cups and snacks inside, I checked my emails on my phone.  I received a message from one of my fellow cancer vixens.  I had met one her friends briefly on the day of my last chemo.  This woman  finished her chemo and radiation to treat breast cancer in March.  She recently has found out that her cancer has returned to her liver and its inoperable.  If anything would wipe a feel good smile off my face form the evening’s festivities; it would be that.  I think you could hear a needle scratch right off the record....How can that happen??  She would’ve had all the same bone, chest, liver tests prior to chemo and they were clean.  She put her body through hell and back with chemo, plus radiation….only to have cancer return in a couple of months?

I felt horrible and scared for her.  I believe there is an automatic bond that is shared with women who have been diagnosed and treated with breast cancer.  Even though I only met her once, can only imagine what a blow it must be to her and her family.  I worried about my friend too, as I can imagine the thoughts running through her head.  Then I got completely selfish and started thinking about myself.  What if this happens to me?  I have mentally prepared myself of the chance that my cancer may return.  And decided I will just go through the same motions I went through in the past few months and pull through.  I may not be as chipper as I have been during this tour but you learn to manage.  I also would never in a million years expect it to return that quickly.

The thought weighed heavy on my mind for a few days.  I was a bit emotional pulling into the Cancer Centre’s parking lot, thinking what’s the point of doing this?

Then I realized I was being the biggest hypocrite ever.  First of all; how dare I make this about me.  I have become so selfish and it isn't about me - It's about someone else.  Any energy I have should be directed in sending positive vibes and prayers her way.  Secondly, I have been adamant about not having people feel sorry for me so why am I feeling sorry for myself…over something that has not even happened???

Apparently these fears are common – the whole “what if this doesn’t work?  What if it comes back?”   Kim, being the counsellor she is, gave me a fantastic analogy:  My 4 year old Godchild and her sister are afraid that an alligator lives under their bed and will come to eat them in the middle of the night.  It likely will never happen but a perfectly justifiable fear for a young child.  It is also justifiable that a 39 year old woman being treated for breast cancer, has a fear of it returning.  It doesn’t mean it will happen.

I don’t want to live my life like that...wondering if my cancer returns.  Cancer has taught me, among other things; life is too short to waste on the “what if” or the “shoulda.”  There are always going to be circumstances beyond your control but its up to yourself to direct your energy towards what is important to you and keep it positive. 

My nephew and I...he forgot what I look like with long hair but he will soon be reminded

Radiation - Week One

Last week was the first week of radiation.   It certainly is a big change from chemo.

In addition to far less severe side effects, I can now drive myself to and from therapy.   Although wait times can be a nightmare,  the actual radiation lasts only a few minutes. And there are no needles involved.

How does it work?  Every Thursday,  I get my appointments for the following week. Upon arrival,  I scan myself in, change into a hospital gown and wait to be called.....

And some days, I wait a long time....

The hospital tries to schedule as many people as possible.   That's a great idea if everyone arrives on time and actually lie still for whatever amount of time required to complete their treatment.  That is often not the case.  Technicians can spend a good 10 - 15 minutes to line someone up for their treatment, only to have the person move or suddenly have an urgent need to run to the washroom.   I also heard most people ask for morning appointments and often that is when the back logs occur.  I asked to be scheduled towards the end of the day, thinking most scheduling issues would be resolved and it also wouldn't disrupt my work day.  After the second day of waiting approximately an hour for a ten minute treatment, I began to wonder if I made a mistake.

Then on the days I do not wait for a machine I still ponder if I made the right choice of requesting end of day appointments, as I sit in rush hour traffic.

I can't win

The machine is in a large, cold room and the technicians' hands are equally as cold.  They adjust me on the bed, lining up my tattoos to the machine.   The same machine is used each time to ensure I receive as close as possible the exact same treatment every time.   I'm machine lucky #7.

Once I am lined up, that's it.  No moving.   Murphy's Law dictates that is about the same time I get an itch. There has been at least one instance where I have asked one of the Technicians to scratch my cheek or rub my eye.

I say the same thing every time the Technicians leave the leave the room.  "If you need me, I'll be here."  I think its worth a smile.  Once the actual radiation process starts, the arm of the machine rotates from side to side, stopping about 3-4 times over the area and emits radiation.  Its hard to explain - Although I don't feel anything; I do at the same time, feel like a wave passing over the area.  Its very hard to explain. The whole process takes maybe 5-7 minutes.

Usually, while lying there, I use the time to practice my meditation. Imagining your breathing patterns as a circular motion or focusing on how your breath suspends in between inhales/exhales should take your mind of any itches or urges to pee.  However, Technicians can see and hear me from the other room and I am very tempted to serenade the team.  The only song that has popped into my head so far is Donna Summer's Hot Stuff.  Don't ask me why.

Maybe I should post a request on Facebook asking for jokes.