The Party Comes to an End

As all good parties,  even mine, eventually must come to an end.  I wouldn't change a second about last week.   I had so much fun being surrounded by loved ones to mark the end of chemo.  My party ended abruptly with another hospital visit this week.

I have always been one to plan my own birthdays and milestone celebrations.  This way, I always get what I want and I never expect other people to do the work.  I watch my friends kill themselves over a simple dinner party and then complain after about how much work they did or how much money they spent on food.  I am all about the gathering, the conversation, the laughter and connecting with people.  I am not ashamed to serve a frozen lasagna because I prefer using the time to interact with people.  As I get older and now living with cancer, my friends and family should come to expect more frozen lasagna and paper plates from me.

Anyways, last week I ended the chemo leg of my tour on a high note.  I attended the opening of the Inspiring Change exhibit at Wall Space Gallery which my photograph was part of.  I met some incredible women.  Aside from Michelle, Leslie Anne, Janet, and gallery owner, Patricia; I had the honour of meeting the other women, with breast cancer who were photographed.   Let me tell you,  what these ladies have endured/are enduring, makes my experience look like a walk in the park.  I left humbled, inspired,  invigorated, and blessed.

Christian was my date and when we parted ways at the end of the evening, he explained how his trip to Ottawa was a great learning experience for him.  He saw cancer completely differently after spending time with me, being in the chemo ward and meeting other people who have cancer.  He had an extremely candid and interesting conversation with Linda, whose portrait was a very powerful image of her topless, double mastectomy with no reconstruction.  Had he not learned what he did over the previous days, the conversation would have perhaps been awkward.  However it wasn't and he learned even more from her including how to be a good friend to someone with cancer.  I was mingling and missed the bulk of the conversation but Linda seems like a very cool,  direct but motivating cancer vixen.

I drove to the farm that same evening.  I expected the routine joint pain to start by Sunday and I wanted to be laid out on the couch with the full Woodstock experience.  I wasn't surprised that I felt even more lethargic than usual.  Monday was much worse and by late afternoon,  I had a fever.

"So I guess you don't want to go for a walk"  asked Susie...

The next morning, I called my dad and asked him to take me to the General Hospital. Now don't get me wrong.   I appreciate his help and it even was his birthday.  But we took a longer route because even though I should have gone to emergency the night before with my fever, he had to stop and get gas at his favorite gas station. Then we argued about the route/directions.  The Doctor in emergency was concerned about my heart rate being fast....You think?

I knew the drill this time.  I had two separate bags packed: one for emergency and one if I was admitted.  Tests were ran, I was poked, prodded and by 3:00 pm, sent dad home because I was getting admitted.  This time I landed in a private room because it was suspected that I had a virus.

Anyone entering my room was expected to wear a mask and gloves. There were the usual masks and special ones with a visor.  I snagged a couple of those to play imaginary landmine detection with the kids.  Even food trays were left outside my door.

I really was not planning on returning to the hospital but I tried to make the best of the situation.  I brought trashy magazines, nail hardener, Meta stopped by with burgers.  I ordered movies.  The expectation was that I remain in my room at all times.  I broke free once and snuck out to the vending machine but got busted walking to the kitchen to make a tea.  I felt like a caged animal.

The swab to test for flu is uncomfortable to say the least.  It's a tiny brush on the end of a thin, long handle; inserted into your nose and down into your throat.  My boss suggested I take a selfie but it is too hard when your eyes are squeezed shut and watering.  The result? Some fancy bronchial word and easily translated into the flu.  Antibiotics picked me right up and by the next day, I was trying to negotiate an early release.  My white blood cell count skyrocketed and was fever free...  so why not?  No such luck...  The best deal I got was stay fever free for 24 hours, then I could go off IV.  After being monitored for another day, I would likely be sent home.

My Oncologist stopped by when she heard I landed in the hospital.  We talked about my workout plan,  post chemo/surgery.  She talked to me about setting reasonable goals with regards to weight loss and easing back into working out again.   I didn't have the heart to tell her that earlier that day,  I was trying to guesstimate when I could sign up for the Brazilian martial art,  Capeoria.

On Thursday morning,  while it was still dark, I awoke to a damp pillow,  pyjamas and sheets...uh oh....did I have another fever which broke in the middle of the night?  Would this delay my release?  A few moments later, my nurse entered to take my vitals.  I sat up in bed as she turned on the lights.  I looked around.  My sheets, pyjamas; even my hands and face were covered in blood!

First thought was after doing a Godfather movie marathon the day before was,  where was the horse's head?

Second thought was that was one hell of a nose bleed (very dry in hospital)

Third was more of a panic....What the hell happened?

Turns out I pulled my IV out of my port in my sleep and bled unto the bed but my vitals were the best ever!

With Christian and Leslie Anne at the Inspiring Change exhibit

Milestone Completed

Yesterday was the big day!  My last Chemo ...Hopefully the last one forever!!

The few days leading up to Thursday were very busy and a constant reminder of how blessed I am.  When I picked up Meta for my Oncologist appointment on Tuesday, she handed me a small box.  It was a gift from her friend Ron, whom I have never met but has been following my blog.  It was a pendant in the shape of a guitar pick that said "Rock Star." It was part of Thursday's ensemble 

A couple of weeks ago, I was fortunate to be part of a photo exhibit that opens tomorrow in honour of International Women's Day.  Michelle Valberg has photographed 6 women who have cancer.  My friend, Leslie Anne did my make up....I looked better than before I started chemo!  At the end of the shoot, they asked me to pick a word to describe my cancer experience.  One woman had selected "courage," for example.  Uhm...That was a tough one to decide upon.  Of course I started to cry,  explaining how I just want to be treated and viewed as the same person as I was before my diagnosis and with no sympathy.  But as we discussed further and I prattled on about Hooter and a Half, it was decided to use the term "Rock Star."   The next day I thought to myself; why had I picked such a lame word.  Why didn't I use "Determination?" or as Peter suggested, "Friendship?"  But after receiving the pendant and explaining to Janet from The Ottawa Citizen about how I was anti pink ribbon and instead wore a concert shirt to every chemo, wanted my experience to be referred to as a tour instead of a journey and how many well wishers refer to rock star terminology; I realized I did pick the right word.

On Tuesday night, I got a call from my buddy, Christian in Washington and he informed me that he was arriving on Wednesday to be here for my last chemo...WOW!  Now that's love.  I stopped by to see him Wednesday night (it has been 4 years since I last saw him and we have been great friends since '96) and was happy I did.  He confessed that he isn't comfortable with hospitals, illness or death and was afraid that I may look sick, worn down, etc and didn't know how he would handle it.  A picture on Facebook or a write up in a blog sometimes doesn't hold the real truth and I get that.  He was so relieved to see that I was happy, as healthy as I can be and ready to rock for the next day!

I arrived home that evening, to a message from one of my high school friends.  Rob had dinner with one of his friends who recently started chemo for breast cancer.  He had told her about me and sent her my blog link.  As he read last week's entry, he realized she was the woman I sat next to during my February chemo.  She told him about how she craved chicken wings....Small world!  Moreen is my newest cancer vixen babe to add to the roster.

I was ready to go at the crack of dawn yesterday.  Since Laura was there when I first was diagnosed, provided so much support, documented the tour for me and Meta has been coming to every single appointment, it seemed fitting that they be there for the last chemo.  They picked me and my smorgasbord of snacks promptly at 7:15 AM...The nurse gave me "the look" when I asked if I could drink champagne during chemo.  She said as long as she didn't know what I had in my cup, she wasn't going to say a word.  I may have crossed the line when I asked if I could stash it in the fridge to keep it cold.  It did not matter.  I brought ice packs and if all else failed, there are the mitts you wear during Taxotere.  And yes, I will admit on here that I did drink champagne during chemo.  I am sure I will get the lecture from my family after they read this.  Oh well, I am still alive today.

Carolyn came by to wish me well. Christian met up with us after I was settled and Pascale, who finished her chemo on Tuesday (Yay for her and she looks great!!) stopped by with a care package.  She gets it - Toilet paper, Kleenex with lotion and Dasani....much needed supplies for next week and a bit.

Any more people and I would have needed a doorman and a disco ball.

The time flew by and before I knew it, I was up ringing the bell as loud and as proud as I could!  For those of you who do not know, at your last chemo appointment, you ring a bell to announce you are finished.  Sure,  I will be back every three weeks for Herceptin but this is the biggest hurdle. Chemo was 4 months long and comes with the most side effects.  It realky does require you to make significant life style changes, sacrifices and you truly understand the need to prioritize your life and put yourself first.  Not everyone agreed with how I coped.  By continuing to work as long as I did, by doing as much as I could on my own,  by eating whatever I wanted to, etc and when it was time, move home to be with my family and have some solitude.  That is my choice and my coping mechanism.  No one should tell me how to live my life or think they know what's best for me.  Especially if they haven't experienced cancer and treatments themselves.  Having a great aunt,  twice removed who had breast cancer twenty years ago doesn't make someone a cancer expert.

Over lunch, Christian encouraged me to look at starting my own fundraiser to give back to the hospital.  Something surrounding the "Rock Star" theme in the form of live bands or a pub crawl. It is definitely something to think about.  I could set it up so any money raised, goes directly to the hospital or the Regional Cancer Centre to support local programs.  It isn't going to happen for a while.  I still have another year of treatments and need to time to heal, get back into my groove at work when I return and practice the art of "making time for me."

After a short nap, the festivities continued again and I was very touched to see so many people out to help me celebrate a major milestone.  Friends that I have known since kindergarten to friends I have known for less than a year were there to wish me well.  I was so happy! I wanted to keep going all night but the reality was I did just receive a chemo.  I tried to keep up the party spirit today but its 9 PM and I'm in my PJs, drinking Gatorade and eating Kraft Dinner from a pot. I know my limit.

So what's next? 

I have a few weeks of recovery,  get my immune system back to normal and then more lymph nodes to be removed in early April.  My home care nurse laid down the law when I mentioned Jake E Lee was playing in town four days after my surgery.  Its going to be an invasive surgery, I won't be able to move my right arm (I'm right handed) properly for a while, risk of swelling, stuck with a drain coming out of my arm for at least 7-10 days, no driving for about two weeks and creative showering (can't get the area wet and I love my showers)  Back to the concert....If someone bumps my arm in a bar; well, its game over for me. 

The scars will need to heal properly and even more important, I need to be capable of keeping my arm over my head for at least 10 minutes before I can start radiation.  My main priority in April will be resting and gaining strength in my right arm.  The sooner I can start radiation, the closer I will be to having some of my life back.  Sure Herceptin runs into 2015 but from what I have been told, its no big deal.  I am looking forward to having a routine again, going to a gym, staying awake late and not have to worry about getting sick.

My doctor appointments will begin to drop. I have been seeing my oncologist and getting blood tests every Tuesday before chemo. That drops to every fourth Herceptin treatment and an ECG is thrown in for good measure.  My next doctor appointment is May 1st.  It feels strange to be followed so closely over the past few months and now I am suddenly free.  Treatment week no longer seems like a big affair.

The Oncologist discussed with me life after chemo and radiation.  Many people find it stressful to all of a sudden be outside of the hospital, on their own.  You are followed but it becomes every three months and then after a year, it drops again.  Many will worry about cancer coming back. Aches and pains become a concern and some people need therapy to cope with living with it.  Well, I really didn't think about it until she mentioned it.  I had the concept that I would do what I need to do over the next year and a bit and then everything would be fine. No more cancer - Its cut out out of me, I did chemo; now radiation and a targeted treatment....how could it come back.  Everything is killed.  Is it not?  I am looking forward to the summer because it will signify the majority of my treatment completed and I can begin to live again.  I started to Google concerts, think about road trips and discuss my 40th birthday. 

Then she planted the seed of doubt - Will I be like that?  Will I freak out every time I have a head ache?  Will I need therapy or anti depressants?  I hope not.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

I hope I won't be like that. Someone please slap me if I am.

Anyways, to close; I received a great email from my friend Lisa this morning and she included a quote I wanted to share:

Today may there be peace within.  May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.  May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you.  May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.  It is there for each and every one of us.



Toute Le Gang!

Blissful Moments

It has been a few weeks since my last update. Now that I am off work, I am also quasi "off the grid" as I have limited cellphone reception and no internet.  It's like a Facebook, email, Linked In, etc detox.  It took almost three weeks but I am finally beginning to feel relaxed and it is blissful.  I practice yoga with my instructor, Amanda who has developed a series of poses based on my physical ability, my meditation practice has moved outside (dressed appropriately for winter) and have been lucky to be surround by deer....You can't buy that level of therapy.  I am reading books,I've had for years but never picked up and doing little projects that I've always wanted to try but never made the time. Now that I have figured out how to decoupage, I want to Mod Podge everything. I spend most of the time in the country, next door to my parents.  They have been a big help and also being closer to the rest of my family has been great. 

My last chemo treatment was February 13th and it was the longest day at the hospital yet; 6 1/2 hours.  My file was misplaced and there was a small miscommunication regarding my treatment.  A targeted treatment, Herceptin was introduced to the mix and I will continue to receive until next year. The first time, it is placed on a 90 minute drip to make sure there is no allergic reaction.  There wasn't a reaction so I hope the next time, it won't take as long.  The Herceptin can also play a number on your heart and I will continue having ECGs every 3-4 months.

Angela and Mirella accompanied me and God love them for sticking it out.  It was a long day but we had a best of a time as we could in the chemo ward.  Thank goodness I brought along plenty to eat for breakfast.  By the time we left, we had gobbled up most of it.  And as usual, when we are together we caught up on each other's lives and shared many laughs.  At one point we laughed so loud, the man next to us shot 3 feet into the air. 

The woman on the other side of my bed was receiving her first chemo treatment for breast cancer.  Of course at this point, I'm a pro and prattled on about my experiences and any tips/tricks that worked for me. She left the hospital craving chicken wings.

Sarah told me that once you know how your body will react to Taxotere, you are better prepared to deal with the side effects and it becomes manageable. She was right.  This time I started to take medication to deal with muscle/joint pain right away.  I took Advil, Tylenol, Robaxacet and a stronger prescription drugs during the night.  I believe I was "stoned" on Family Day. Being one to make the best of any situation, I wore a tie dyed Tshirt, played a little Jefferson Airplane and pretended I was at Woodstock.I believe the ghost of Jimi Hendrix visited me and set fire to his guitar on my coffee table.

I lost my sense of taste again, had the feeling of a film coating my mouth and lips swelled to the point that it looked like I had bad collagen injections but I wasn't plagued with mouth sores. Knowledge is power and I eliminated sauces, dressings and spicy foods and followed George's advice of drinking lots of club soda.

My last chemo is next Thursday and I can hardly wait!!  I'm going to celebrate by inhaling a great big burger, surrounded by loved ones



Perfect Timing

I'm into my second week of sick leave.  The timing was perfect.  I left work absolutely miserable between the mouth sores and the runny nose.  Then as I was leaving, I got an email from another cancer vixen who has chemo two days before me and she had experienced virtually the same side effects.   Not that I would ever want to wish that level of discomfort on anyone but I feel somewhat comforted (in a selfish way) knowing I'm not alone.  I just like to whine.  The oncologist asked if I can handle the side effects.   If not, they can reduce the dosage.   I told her I was fine and bring on the next dose in full force.

In my Christmas care package from Vonda, she added Lipton soup.  I thought it was a little strange but never said anything.  That woman is better prepared than me. Because I couldn't open my mouth, I slurped that soup through a straw... problem solved!

The runny nose turned into a cold or some form of sinus infection which became really annoying.  I began to fear it would delay my next treatment.  The Oncologist explained that with this chemo, my blood cell count can bottom out in as early as four days.  That means a higher chance of getting sick.   Another great reason for taking time off and staying away from people but my blood work today showed a higher white blood cell count than the average person on chemo.  Yay for Neulasta and it's all systems go for tomorrow!  Being the idiot that I am, spent more time mentally preparing what rock shirt I will wear Thursday instead of today's clothes and wore a turtleneck to finally do blood work through my port.  On the plus side I sported a fedora that was always too tight.  Not anymore!  One advantage to having no hair (including no hat head,  bed head and my time to get ready is drastically reduced because I don't have to do anything with my hair)

To be proactive,  I booked private yoga lessons to help manage the muscle pain expected during chemo.  Yes, folks there is yoga in Ladysmith.  Amanda Porter is fantastic and I am  happy to have her on the team.  We talked about my level of activity before and during chemo, the side effects I have experienced,  the level of discomfort, etc.  Then she went through a variety of poses to get my feedback on what will work for me.  Even the cat joined us for yoga.

Last week I noticed my eye lashes were breaking/ falling out.  It somehow bothers me more than losing my hair or eyebrows.  I don't have a reason why.  It just does.  I try to fake it with my Laura Mercier cake liner but it now runs under my eyes and I look like a circa 1970s Alice Cooper within an hour.  On the flip side, my hair is growing back.  I was told by so many people to expect it grow back a different colour, thicker,  or even curly.  Its so  blonde  I didn't even notice until my head was under a certain light.  Rats... I was hoping to hold until the bald look a little while longer.   Part of me wants to shave off what I have and another part of me wants to see how fast I can grow it.  Anyways, I held my legs under the same light and son of a bitch!  Razor came out for the first time since end of November!   That was one of my perks.

Tomorrow is round 5.  I started my steroids which means I will be up all hours of the night.   The food bag is packed and ready to go. Clothes are laid out.  Its an early start and a long treatment as Herceptin will be introduced.  It's also my second last chemo.  There is light at the end of the chemo tunnel.

Side Effects of Round Four

The side effects with Taxotere are much worse than the first type of chemo.  I eventually swung out of the muscle pain but the rumour is, it will be lingering even after I am finished.  Believe it or not, the best remedy was belly dancing.  I was stretching and noticed that everything I was doing, reminded me of warming up during my Middle Eastern Dance classes.  So I cranked up a little Natacha Atlas and Alabina and did a little shimmey across my kitchen floor.  Amazingly, the next day I had less pain and needed less ibuprofen.

The next issue that popped up was the metallic taste in my mouth got worse and I started to get mouth sores.  All of a sudden everything I ate had a strange taste and some things even hurt to eat.  I had my favorite, Vietnamese for lunch with Meta and I didn't enjoy it at all.  Of course it hasn't killed my appetite, I still eat but just look for ways around the problem. The metallic taste makes it difficult to drink water and one of the tricks I use is diluting a little orange juice in a big glass of water.  Sarah recommended that I try drinking different types of bottled water and Dasani had a distinct flavor for her during chemo....Really?  I have a private well drilled at the farm and drink municipal water that has been treated in Ottawa and can't taste the difference.  I highly doubt that I will taste the difference between bottles of water.  Tonight I conducted a little experiment and tried Dasani and Pure Life and I actually believe I could taste a difference.  Or maybe I am just so desperate to have my taste buds back.  Club soda seems to offer the best relief.

My lips are also incredibly dry and swollen.  I feel like I spent an evening making out with a brillo pad.  Now I know why Vonda gave me so many tubes of chap stick.  She is more on the ball than I am with potential side effects.

I finally met one of my Vixens! And I hope to meet more in the future.  Sarah, whom I was put in touch with by a former colleague, just finished her chemo, radiation and has a few more Herceptin treatments to go.  I took advantage of her treatment and swung by the hospital to meet her in person.  She has been fantastic at answering all of my questions.  What an amazing woman!  She went through this all in 2013 with a great attitude and three young ones to boot!

It felt a little odd being the one sitting in the chair and not in the bed but I will be back on the bed in 2 weeks. So I took advantage of that feeling as well.

Tomorrow is my last day of work for a while. Although I enjoy work and still worry that I will go stir crazy; with these side effects I am now ready to make some time for myself.  I am tired and the timing is perfect.  Of course I have created about six months worth of projects and have grandiose ideas of skating, snow shoeing and Lord knows what else.  But given this past week, that now may be a little too ambitious.  But here is the beauty of it:  I can just live in the present moment.  Aside from my medical appointments, I do not have any deadlines or major commitments.  If I need to take a nap, mid day I will and not feel guilty about it.  If I want to spend the morning lounging around in my pyjamas, eating ice cream; I'm going to do it.  Actually I do have one confession, there were a few mornings spent working and interviewing candidates while I had a mud mask. Masks have been so easy with out having to deal with tying up your hair.

The next few months will be all about "Me."  Now don't get me wrong....I am one to treat myself and somewhat take care of myself but it usually is crammed into a time frame of an evening or weekend.  This will be two months of relaxing, yoga (I hired a private yoga instructor) doing art, reading, meditation and just learning how to be a better Jenny...for Jenny

Docetaxel....Taxotere...Taxidermy...Whatever

Last Thursday chemo was changed up a little bit.  It seems that it is routine to have three doses of one chemo cocktail and three of another.  I started something called Taxotere.

Side effects include:  Water retention, changes in nails, muscle and joint aches/pains, some flu like symptoms, metallic taste in mouth, swelling of tongue, fatigue that usually kicks in by Sunday.

The morning started out as usual and Jen and Meta accompanied me to this round.  I have now developed quite a reputation with the staff of bringing elaborate snacks.  When the nurse asked if I had brought my anti nausea pill that I take before each treatment, I realized it was part of the prescription the pharmacist forgot to fill at the last treatment.  I explained what happened and the nurse asked "So you didn't take it after your last treatment and you were not sick?" 

"Nope and in fact, I am so tired of these bloody steroids, I didn't take those either" I replied as I stuffed my face with a cinnamon bun.  She called my Oncologist and I over heard her say "Well, she is eating now..."  The nurse returned and asked again if I had any issues with my last treatment (truth be told, not only did I not have nausea, I didn't have that stupid metallic taste in my mouth afterwards and I was able to enjoy my coffee) and she commented that there is nothing wrong with my appetite and we decided to forgo the yellow, foot ball shaped pill.

The unique thing about this treatment is that I have to wear oven mitts on my hands and feet to keep them cold through out the whole treatment.  It apparently will help with the nail changes expected to occur with this cocktail.  Its rather annoying and I obviously didn't take the gloves into consideration when I purchased icing covered cinnamon buns and a fruit platter for snacks.  Jen refused to spoon feed me.

Just before I put on the gloves, I called up my cousin Krista.  She was scheduled to attend but couldn't because of a cold.  She felt so bad that I decided to make her feel like she was there.

Everything went smoothly and I returned home but not without a quick pit stop at McDonalds.

The first few days I felt fine, ran errands, visited with friends.  Heck, I even juiced broccoli and drank it.   I never heard from my home care nurse and ended up even giving myself the injection.  Easy peasy

By Sunday, I thought I was in the clear with regards to the side effects but by Sunday evening, I felt like I had been kicked over and over again by a pair of steel toe boots.  Everything in my body ached, the prescribed pain killers did nothing and I maybe fell asleep for an hour by 4 AM. 

I even had to take a sick day from work on the Monday and spent my time trying to sleep between my bed and the floor.  Then the metallic taste returned, stronger than ever.  Crap....

My quirky, positive attitude can only last so long under these circumstances and by Tuesday I felt a wave of bitchiness overcoming me.  I growled and whined to whomever would listen to me.  However as the saying goes, "This too shall pass" and decide I just need to plow through.  I was warned but my cocky self thought I was immune to all the nasty side effects.  I hear it gets worse with each treatment so I just need to be creative in finding ways to deal with and not let it affect my time.

Suggestions have included hot Epsom salt baths, shark cartilage and heating pads.  I am afraid a massage may make the situation worse.  However, I am not opposed to hiring my three year old niece to walk on my back until it cracks.

I totally understand now why my Oncologist recommended that I take February off work instead of January.

 

These mitts slow down the changes to my nails...I'm so hot, I went through three of them

 

Meta, Jen and I

Managers, Roadies, Fans and Groupies

Every Rock Star has an entourage and I am no different.

I have been hesitant to write about all the wonderful people in my life that have offered so much support for fear I may miss and offend someone.  Everything that everyone has done for me has been greatly appreciated - From my family, my friends, my colleagues, my health care team; even people I have never met before, have been beyond amazing. The people I write about below only scratches the surface.

Thank you everyone - you all know who you are

WARNING - This is a long post and there are still so many others to thank

Family: I have been told the one of the last things a parent wants to hear is that their child has cancer.  Imagine their shock when my folks called on the Saturday, after my mammogram to ask if I could sing in church and I am sobbing on the other end because "the lump in my breast is abnormal and they need to act quickly."  Two days later they get another call from me, after half a bottle of scotch, telling them "the lump is indicative of cancer."

I have to give them credit, they held it together very well, been fantastic at offering anything I need and helping out any way they can.  The problem is when they have spent the last 39 years raising a child to be self sufficient and independent; its very hard for me to return home for help.

The rest of the family has been incredibly supportive and concerned but the beauty is no one treats me any differently.  After my first chemo, my aunt said "Too bad you were not staying here longer.  You could help me clean the church windows." 

My cousin Susie, who is the closest thing I have to sibling and her husband have treated me no differently either.  Steven said my head looked like a big Q-tip after I shaved it.

Friends:  The support of my friends has been amazing.  Everyone has their own lives and their own shit to deal with, yet they have all been there for me.  The day my Dr called me into her office, I was going to go in alone (I was in denial that the lump would be anything more than a cyst) but Laura wouldn't let me go alone and I am so grateful.  After I got the news, I slipped on oversized sunglasses, walked right out of the office and sobbed in her arms in the parking lot. Not wanting to be alone, I went back to her place, drank all her scotch and sobbed some more.

In addition, Laura has been documenting every step of this tour by taking fantastic photos.  Some may think that keeping reminders is an odd thing but I am actually quite proud of my scars, my bald head, and the bags under my eyes.  I want to remember this year - This whole year is going to change my life forever and if remembering is making a cancer scrap book at the end, so be it.

I call Meta my Tour Manager as she has come to every Dr. app't after Laura started working again.  She is like Sharon and I am Ozzy.  In the first few weeks following diagnosis, I thought of reaching out to Meta, just have her common sense calm me down.  We used to work together but it had been a while since we last spoke.  How do you call someone up that you haven't talked to in months and say "Hey, Guess what?  I have cancer and I am pretty close to having a melt down. So can you come over and talk some sense into me?"  Then fate struck; she called me and over a glass of wine, asked if she could help in any way.  I asked if she could come to an appointment with my surgeon because I needed someone to take notes.  And she has been there ever since!  She is the only person that can take 5 pages of notes during a 20 minute consultation and ask questions, no one would ever think of asking. 

When I landed in emergency, Meta met me 10:30 PM at the hospital door, sporting a rock Tshirt and a mask (we still argue over the mask issue) and stayed by my side until 2:30 AM.

And every time I have a long day, bad day, get hit with news, etc; Meta's message is "Hey, you never have to do this day over again"

Kim and Shawn have been huge supporters.  Shawn likes to refer to himself as my Roadie and has decided his role in the tour is to chauffeur me to my surgeries (with a cheeseburger waiting in the car, post surgery.)  Kim has been to a few of my chemo sessions, educated herself at chemo school and essentially been on call if I need anything. 

Angela has been the official researcher.  After it was confirmed I would be receiving chemo, I asked Ang to look into where I could find decent quality, cheap wigs. Within two hours in the middle of a conference, I receive a text from her saying she found a free wig for me, signed me up for a wig hairstyling course and another workshop.  After all her hard work, I decided that I don't like wigs and she has knitted toques for me.

Having gone through a mammogram and ultra sound for a lump in the past and it turned out to be no big deal, I didn't think this one was any different.  Peter urged me to take it seriously, get it checked out by a doctor and made sure I booked an appointment.  Thank God I listened to him because he essentially saved my life.  Then months later after I started chemo, he came over for a visit but about 10 minutes before he walked through the door, I reached a fever.  An hour later, he is taking me to the hospital.  I have joked that he is bad luck for me but he listens to me whine when I have bad days and delivered contraband McDonalds when I was in the hospital.

One of the toughest moments to swallow was getting an email from my girlfriend, Vonda shortly after my diagnosis.  In it she wrote "I am sad, scared and feel totally helpless (because I am not there.)"   That was when it really hit me that having cancer just didn't affect me but affected the people I love.  Furthermore, there were a lot of people in my life who didn't know a lot about cancer, myself included.  That is when I decided that my blog would be more than letting everyone know my status but also to educate everyone that cancer isn't that scary. Even though Vonda lives in Montreal, she has offered a tremendous amount of support just by checking in. She has taken it a step further in educating herself and the kids, sending cute care packages with all sorts of fun goodies, including hand knit caps from Gracia.  I knew I was driving the right message across with my blog when I received another message from Vonda, the week after I shaved my head. She wrote " You are so fucking cool.  The kids are amazed at your strength.  I am so glad they have a woman like you in their lives." 

Cue the water works!

The list has been endless!  Carolyn has been on call night and day; setting me up in the hospital and wig shopping.  She attempted to knit too but from what I have heard, its best I stick with Ang and Gracia's handi work.  Laurie took off my bandages after surgery.  Gailene has stopped in to pet sit, with little to no notice; often hiding food in the fridge.  Philip stocked me up with vegetable soup that I actually eat and introduced me to my super cool food guru, Linh.  Elle delivered broccoli salad, lentil loaf and threatened my life if I didn't eat my veggies.  Darren shaved his head as a sign of solidarity. Tammy, Carey, Tracey, Gisele and countless other have put me on their prayer list.  Krista sports concert shirts, Jen supplies me with rock shirts, Mirella takes me grocery shopping and Karma "Hugs the shit out of me."  Genevieve shaved my head and lent me some pretty cool wigs.  Paul sends inspirational quotes, Eric and Pam encourage me to juice and Christian is my cheerleader.  I haven't even scraped the surface of my support network.  There are so many special people in my life

Work:  After my mammogram/ultra sound, I went back to work and hid in my cubicle for the rest of the day, crying.  By Monday morning I had to tell my bosses what was up and after I got the news, texted them "My Dr. thinks it is cancer.  I am not coming back to the office.  Going to drink."  The next day, sitting in my cubicle with swollen eyes, my colleague, Puneet who sits behind me, asked what was up.  When I told him my news, he said exactly what I needed to hear:  "F*ck off....Whatever! You are going to pull through that shit no problem" 

I wanted to continue working to maintain a level of sanity and a sense of purpose and Ian Martin Group has gone beyond accommodating.  I received all the tools I need to work from home and through things like video conferencing I feel like I am still in the loop.  My colleagues have been there to help and check in on me.  I am very lucky to be working for such a great company with amazing people.

The other day, I officially gave my notice that I will be taking some time off as I am heading towards the finish line of my chemo treatments.  I cried off an on all day.  I knew that I wanted to do this but all of a sudden I felt like I had let my team down, I wasn't as productive as I should be and that I have become more of a burden to the company than a help.  I have never "not worked" in my life so the thought of not contributing somewhere, actually scares me.  I need to be busy and have a sense of purpose.

In addition to Ian Martin Group, my former colleagues at Holt Renfrew have reached out with their kind wishes and support.  I met some great people and forged some strong friendships during the 15 years I worked at Holts as an employee and as a freelance artist.  Miriam is one of my biggest fans - She is like my Cancer Coach; offering advice, checking in and reminding me that I'm going to have good and bad days but that I will get through this.  In addition, I sport one pink ribbon- ish item from Meris: A black bracelet with one pink bead that she gave to me the day before my surgery.  On my last day of Herceptin treatments (God forbid that will be the last "treatment")  I want to pass it on to someone else in the chemo unit.

Cancer Vixens - I can't take credit for the term but as soon as I was diagnosed, I reached out to a few women who have been through treatment for breast cancer.  Initially, I wanted to remind myself that I wasn't the only person who has cancer and that people come out the other end perfectly fine and carry on their lives.  Even though everyone is different, having them share their experiences has prepared me for what to expect during chemo.  Some of these women, I have never even physically met and I appreciate them taking the time to answer my random questions and open up to share a very personal part of their lives with me.  Plus aside from my medical team, I tend to only follow the advice I have received form these women because they know first hand what it's like.  Christine, Janet, Sarah, Laurie, Lee Anne and other women I have talked to are all rock stars!!  I wouldn't mess with them - they are pretty tough gals to have endured what they have.

As this post is already too long, I will save a separate entry for my health care team at a later point after I have gotten better acquainted with some key players - These are the people I am trusting my life with right now and so far they are doing an awesome job.

I think back to November's chemo school and listening to that one woman who seemed to alone for her tour.  I wonder about her often and how she is coping.  I don't think I would be handling my treatments as well as I have with out the love and support of all the special people in my life. 

I can't even count my blessings....

I think this photo of Meta holding my hand during treatment sums up the level of support she has offered during the tour