Downsizing

So tomorrow is the big day…I like to refer it as “Downsizing”  At least that is what I wrote in the comments box when I booked the day off work.

It’s been almost two months since this process started and although I have been pushed through the system very quickly, it feels like it has taken forever to reach this stage.  I know I will be relieved to have the bad parts of me taken out.

I decided as a “Rock Star” I need to come up with a good story behind the scar.  Here have been a few suggestions:

1.      Attacked by a shark off the coast of the Pacific.  This is my favorite and the least likely as I can hardly swim and afraid of deep water.  The surgeon also did not agree to make the incision look like teeth marks

2.      Attacked by wolves which I killed with my bare hands.  This is more plausible since I have wolf remains at home and in my artwork

3.      Some wild, raunchy night with the bass player of LA Guns that I can’t talk about due to a court settlement.  This was suggested as I had posted a pic with him on Facebook that all my female friends seemed to like.

I am always open to suggestions

My surgeon is supposed to be an artist and leave minimal scarring so there may not be a good opportunity for a story.  I also asked if they could photograph me cut open because I thought I could use the images in a collage…. I get the feeling the Montfort does not support my artwork because I thought it was a compromise when they wouldn’t return the left over pieces of the lump after they finished testing.

My biggest post-surgery fear isn’t pain but the fact I may not be able to shower for a few days.  Being a little OCD with cleanliness and showering an average of 3 times a day, I have no idea how I will survive.  I practiced not getting my side wet and think I have mastered it.  The top questions I have prepared for tomorrow is when can I use deodorant, shave, shower and wear a bra

I have to admit, I was a smidgen (and I say “smidgen”) disappointed that it wasn’t a full mastectomy with OHIP covering implants.  I mean who wouldn’t want to be 40 and walk around in public without a bra??  But after I read the procedures of a mastectomy – am pretty grateful I don’t have to deal with drainage and stuff …**shudder

The past week I have spent preparing.  I now know what it’s like for expecting mothers to “nest.”  I have been cleaning, re-arranging furniture, cooking, purchasing trashy magazines, sports bras etc.  I felt it was necessary to move all my furniture and scrub the floors underneath it, rip off all bedding, duvet covers, etc.  I even did a little “Before” photo shoot with Laura so I remember what a full rack looks like.  My German Virgo side has shone through

 I also have my little bag prepared for the hospital which includes socks to keep my feet warm, iPod and reading material.  I wonder if Five Finger Death Punch will increase my heart rate/blood pressure or help me relax…We shall see.

As for reading material; this is very important.  It has to fit within my “rock star” theme.  I thought about magazines but it takes at least 2 hours for the Tasers to travel to the lymph nodes so a book maybe more appropriate.   I set aside a book by Julien Barnes to seem like the literary type but I’m really not interested in reading that.  My childhood friend, Kim is purchasing a book for me today. At first I was hesitant in what she would select but the girl has known me since I was two and gave me a Guns N Roses flag when I was 15 years old….I’m pretty confident in her choice.

Speaking of which, Kim and her hubby are the official drivers tomorrow and doing a McDonald’s drive thru after.  I am very grateful for their support (as I am with everyone.)  There were countless volunteers to take me to and from the hospital. I think my friends just want the entertainment value of watching me perform on whatever drugs I have upon leaving the hospital.  Some of you may wonder where my parents are through all of this.  Trust me, I don’t want my parents driving me.  First of all we would have to leave at 4 AM in order to arrive at the hospital for 8 AM given the way my dad drives; I also think I am a better city driver than dad even if I am post-surgery, jacked up on Morphine and finally, they have to bring the dog everywhere they go and I cannot imagine trying to get a peaceful drive home with Cujo snarling beside me…No Thank You.  Would rather take a bus or hitch hike.

 I would have enjoyed arriving for surgery in true Ab Fab style such as the episode where Eddie has surgery to remove an acupuncture needle from her foot and Patsy has a chemical peel.  But since they don’t serve alcohol in the hospital, and I cannot show up in jewelry, make up or even deodorant; I gave up making an effort.  They will be lucky if I brush my teeth.

Anyways, I hope the process goes well and I am not referring to the actual surgery but paying for parking.  I was there last night and once again am amazed at how people are so stupid and cannot figure out for their lives how to pay for parking.  There is always a line up and always one person at the machine who cannot understand that you insert your card or money where the green light flashes and you need to press the big button that says “RECEIPT” if you want a receipt.  I try to be helpful and tell them what to do but they just stand there dumbfounded and gaped mouth holding their money.  I swear I have to pay for an extra hour just to watch a moron figure it out.

I am looking forward to some peace and quiet, resting, perhaps catch up on my reading about the Kardashians (because I am so worried about how Khloe is doing these days) and having a nice Thanksgiving with my family. 

 I guess this year I realize that I have a little extra to be thankful for :-)