My Friend Meta

In November, I received an email about a "Co-survivorship award" that was linked to one of the cancer newsletters I subscribe to.  It was looking for stories about people, friends,  or family who provided support to people who are/were facing cancer treatments.  Instinctively, I wanted to nominate Meta.  She went above and beyond any expectations I had.

Some pretty incredible stories have been short-listed and were released today for voting.  Unfortunately my story was not selected and that's fine.  There are countless people, not only across Canada but world wide, that have made incredible sacrifices to provide care and support to their loved ones who are dealing with cancer and one person isn't more deserving than the other.

But I didn't want Meta to go unrecognized and decided to share my submission.  I am thankful for all that she has done and although I am pretty sure she knows how grateful I am, wanted everyone else to know as well.

Thanks Ron for helping me edit, without losing the sentiment :-)

Magical Mystery – Fact and Feeling.

What magical mystery of life transforms a professional acquaintance into a friendship so strong that you forever see things in a new way?

Cancer!

But only under proper management…and I don’t mean medical management in a hospital room. I mean world-class, stadium-sized, festival management, blasting with music, crowded with joy, life, love and an endless stream of future tomorrow hopes…

I liken my cancer journey to a Rock ‘n Roll tour, and Meta Murphy has been my Band Manager, my Roadie, my Groupie…my biggest fan.

Meta is a former colleague who retired six months before my diagnosis.  We were friendly but never did anything outside of work. The first two weeks after learning I likely had breast cancer, I lost my mind.  I would break down and cry every few moments.  I kept thinking about Meta and how she was practical, and full of common sense.  I wanted to call her and have her shake some sense into me, but how to reach out to someone I wasn’t very close to and haven’t spoken with in months?

Predictably (I realize now), she reached out to me immediately upon learning my diagnosis and we met one evening. Meta listened and committed to help in any way I needed.  I asked her to come to an upcoming appointment, as it was recommended to have someone take notes.  Meta came with me, and she took pages of notes.

And Meta came to every single doctor appointment afterwards. We listened together, asked questions, took notes and compared after each appointment.

When I met with my oncologist for the first time and received the definitive assessment, Meta and I left overwhelmed.  She hugged me while I sobbed in the middle of a restaurant.

When I had a fever after my first chemo, I called Meta late at night to let her I know was going to the hospital and that I might need a ride home in the morning.  She met me in emergency, sporting a face mask and sat with me until I was admitted at 2 AM.  She visited every day, bringing special food requests (including the “Contraband McDonalds”)

After each appointment, Meta would say “You never have to do this (day) again!” Even when I lost track, Meta reminded me how far I had come and where I was heading.

She knew when I wanted to talk and when I needed to be left alone.  She checked in on me and if it was really cold or if I was feeling under the weather, would offer to pick up any groceries, medications, whatever I needed.  It pained her to see me in any pain or discomfort. 

The role of “caregiver” is draining. I have told many that cancer is sometimes harder on those around the patient. To share consistent empathy and stamina is not something that everyone can do, but my Meta managed it with grace and sophistication.

Cancer is horrible, but I had help seeing past the horror.  I saw a great deal on my “Rock tour” that I pray never to see again, but it blessed me with a beautiful friendship that will last a lifetime

No New Year's Resolutions

As another year comes to an end, people will take time to reflect upon the events of 2014, whether it be in news, politics, entertainment or personal events that have affected their lives.  Various media outlets display their top news stories stories, movies, songs, photographs and/or videos of the year.

Many look forward to 2015 - A fresh new slate!  Preparing resolutions or just hopeful that the coming year will bring positive changes to their career, finances, health, etc.  Whatever category in life that needs a change.

The gyms become busier, health products fly off the shelves, post holiday facials, massages and detoxes are popular as people prepare their bodies for the new year.  I always do a New Years purge: Sorting through cupboards, closets and cabinets; discarding and/or replacing of old, expired, unused or unwanted items.  It has been my way of losing a quick 10 lbs and making room for all the good things that the coming year has to offer.

Every Vixen, who had treatment this past year that I  contacted over the holidays, have all enthusiastically agreed that 2015 will be a much better year.  Of course it will!  Less frequent visits to the hospital, the bulk of our treatments behind us, full heads of hair, eyelashes restored and bodies/immune systems are starting to return to a new "normal." Christ - Some of the vixens even have a new rack!

Aside from the obvious, 2015 will be a better year for us.  We endured a challenging year! 

I can only speak of my personal experience but I believe that I also grew stronger emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.  (The physical part needs a little more time as it seems I have been catching every cold and flu this season.)  I found a level of energy and strength I never knew I had.  It was this strength that pushed me through treatments and kept my chin up.  But it did more. 

Having a positive attitude does more than help one survive cancer treatments.  It spills into everyday life and encourages one to strive to be a better person.  I never classified myself as having "self confidence" issues but I certainly gained a new level of self acceptance and self respect in 2014.  But this "healthy attitude" needs to be continuously nurtured.  I need to be aware when a negative force creeps into my life, whether it be of my own doing or an external force.  Negativity can grow like a mould.  The area needs to be disinfected.

I strive to become a solution seeker.  If there are obstacles in my life, how do I overcome them?  As opposed to sitting idle, expecting life to change itself around me (which it isn't) I try harder to make changes to improve my life.  If I can't change it, how can I accept it?  Am I risk taker that I envy in others yet?  Hell No!  And it will likely take a very long time, if ever, to reach the level I desire.

Similar to cleaning my closets; over 2014 I discarded many negative factors that affected my well being. Although this "cleansing" doesn't happen in one afternoon and will continue to develop during the rest of one's life, making the effort to abandon unhealthy attitudes, actions (or inaction), routines, foods & people; and replacing with positive/healthy ones, has been gratifying.

I have been and likely will always be the type that keeps myself busy.  Between work, activities in Ottawa and small projects at the farm on weekends, my days are full.    People have commented; "You are always so busy" or "You spend too much time at the farm"  when I am unable to meet them  when they were available. It used to bother me.  I felt guilty.  Then I realized why should I apologize for living life the way I want to live it?  I am doing things that make me happy.  Whether it be a roller blading class or spending a weekend, weeding in my garden.  These are activities I feel enrich my life.  Any guilt has been replaced with the question "Why do others care what I do with my time?" More often than not, the answer is that I have not made myself readily available when someone wants me to be.  Do I criticize or question others about how they spend their time?  No.  If a friend was in a crisis would I be there for them?  Of course!

Sometimes this approach has translated itself into a "fuck it" attitude (which I have been told can also be associated with turning 40.)  The "Fuck it! I am going to speak my mind and don't care what you think."  Those who know me, know I have never had a problem speaking my mind but there have been many moments in the past where I just walked away from an unhealthy situation or toxic person, without letting them know how I felt.  I was shy, intimated or just didn't want to "rock the boat."  Sometimes I wish I would have voiced my opinion but I guess that voice is found with age and experience.  Although I gained many valuable friendships in 2014, I also let go of others.  In a few cases, I was harsh (I need to work on my delivery) and let the other person know how their actions/words affected me.  I felt better afterwards. It was as if I let go of any anger or hurt feelings that I may have towards the situation at hand.  I sleep better at night.
  

I'm not a mean person or a "hater" but some people's values, beliefs and attitudes clash with mine which created a negative energy for me.  I can't continue to grow as a person if negativity and drama drag me down.  There will always be negative people, angry people, perpetual victims, the self centred, bull shitters and the drama queens.  Hell, I have worn each of these hats myself, at some point, over the years. We all have rough days but some can't or won't crawl out of that hole and appear unsatisfied unless everyone is sitting in the same hole with them.   By limiting my interactions with these people or avoiding them completely; I have created more space to include happy, positive, inspiring people in my life.  Although it would be nice, I can't help everyone in life but I know I can help myself and I know I don't want to be stuck in a hole.  Some have walked out of my life, not by my choice but in most cases I have gained a certain serenity from their absence and move forward.  Positive people bring positive energy...solution seekers help you find a solution.

This attitude I feel, has strengthened my relationships with my friends and family.  I made new friends and deepened the bonds of existing relationships.  I try to surround myself with people who have the same outlook as I do.  I feel so grateful for what and who I have in my life. Quality prevails over quantity.

2014 was a crappy year on a few levels and it is a year I wish to never repeat but the valuable lessons learned will last a lifetime.  Obviously some things were beyond my control but I learned to go with the flow and once the bulk of my treatments were behind me, I filled my summer with so many positive experiences that I will always treasure and shared it with people that I love very much.

 Instead of making a list of new years resolutions, I will continue on the personal path I started in 2014.  I cannot put into words what exactly needs to be done in 2015.  As the year progresses, these actions will change.  I want to continue to grow and clean my emotional closet; replacing negative energy for positive.  I believe this "healthy attitude" will enable me to become a better person and share that positive energy with others.  Just like the oxygen masks on the air plane, I need to set myself up before I can help other passengers.

Happy New Years!

Oblivious to My Surroundings

During chemo, I relied on others to take me to and from treatments.  With Herceptin, I can now go alone.  It is still administered in the chemo unit, which is divided into “pods.”  There are approximately 6 pods (or sections) and 6-8 beds and/or chairs per pod.  To keep Herceptin from disrupting my schedule, I book my treatments as late in the day as possible on Fridays.  Sometimes the floor is almost empty.  Usually I listen to music while reading magazines.  Now and then I get a visitor to keep me company. 

I realize that I have been totally oblivious to those around me.

During my last treatment, I looked around in my pod and the neighboring pods and I have to say: Wow! The people around me look sick.  I do not mean to be disrespectful but many patients are lying in bed covered with blankets.  Some are sleeping and others are awake but still.  Some even look frail and/or tired.  Some have a friend sitting quietly next to them, reading a magazine while others are alone.  There is no laughter and not too many smiles.

At my last treatment, there was an older woman in the bed next to me.  She was alone. She was shivering and had blankets wrapped around her shoulders.  She was drinking Ensure (what patients are recommended to drink to keep calorie and nutrient intake up.  Something I never had an issue with.)   When she wanted another blanket, there was no one there to help, unless a nurse passed by.  I got up to get her a blanket.

In the next pod, was a very attractive woman about my age, receiving treatment.  She looked drained and laid quietly in bed, covered with blankets while her husband sat next to her, reading a magazine. 

I remembered my last chemo treatment.  In the bed next to mine was a man who was fidgeting.  He was nervous about receiving treatment (we overheard his discussion with the nurse) and to make matters worse, it was his birthday.  His ride had dropped him off and left.  He sat alone while I had a party of five (and I mean "party")  My friends would get him more blankets or water.  I offered him some of our snacks.  We tried to incorporate him into our circle as best as we could without being invasive.

I know everyone is different and some people prefer to be alone/quiet.  Please do not think I am judging anyone or assuming the patients around me are unhappy.   But I cannot help but wonder how many of these people are scared?  Are sick or tired?  Are alone?  Are unhappy?

I told Meta about my observations and she asked “You mean you never noticed before?” 

With the exception of that one man during my last chemo; actually no I haven’t.  Does that make me a selfish person?  Have I been so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t take notice of others around me?  Probably the answer is “yes” but that’s ok.  There is a certain level of selfishness that is acquired when you get sick in order to heal.   Had I noticed the people around me, it may have dampened my spirits and attitude makes a big difference with recovery.  Maybe I subconsciously put my blinders on to focus on my own recovery and not let dismal faces affect me

I adopted the “Let’s make the best out of a shitty situation” attitude and turned chemo into a lively social visit.   There was a cooler bag filled with food for each treatment.  I needed a bed but only because I wanted the extra space to lay out all my crap. I always had at least two people per treatment -  Five at the last one.  Photos were snapped, gossip was shared and always – lots of laughter. 

And as I told Meta “If any of you bitches would have ignored me, or left me alone; I would have beat the living tar out of you!”

I was and still am the loudest person there.  My laugh isn't one that can be ignored.

What I did isn’t right or wrong.  It doesn’t make me a better or stronger person for handling treatments the way I do.  As I have said and been told countless times, everyone is different.  I did what I had to do in order to get through it.  I rely on humour to get me through difficult times.

Then I began to wonder if I pissed patients around me.  Meta assured me, from what she observed, that I didn’t disrupt but often brought a smile to people’s faces when I cracked jokes and my positive energy was infectious.

Really? 

So what have l learned?  I thought I was aware of my surroundings but obviously not.  I need to be more cognizant of the people around me, during treatment.  Maybe someone wants to talk, maybe someone needs a blanket or a drink of water, maybe I can give them my magazine – Or maybe they want to be left alone.  I don’t know the answers but I am on the homestretch and have remained unscathed.  All I can do is be more mindful of others and see if I can help them in some small yet potentially significant way; in their tour.

 From a recent photo shoot with Laura....My hair returned thicker and fuller than ever!  Although I hate calling my cancer treatments a journey, I like the imagery of the road, heading towards home as the setting.  I really am on the homestretch!

God Keep Our Land Glorious and Free

I'm going to take a quick break from writing about cancer and focus on something far greater that impacted our lives yesterday.

On Wednesday, October 22nd 2014, a coward with a rifle walked up and shot and killed Nathan Cirillo, one of our soldiers as he stood on guard at the War Memorial....a symbol of the sacrifices our Canadian military has made for our country.  The Coward then raced into the halls of the Peace Tower where he was killed by Sergeant at Arms Kevin Vickers.

Think about that.  A lot of fucking symbolism if you ask me.

As I walked home last night, I realized my route has now become a crime scene.  My direct route was still under lock down and the market was virtually deserted.  I recently wrote in an earlier entry that when I now walk to work I relate to Scrooge from Dicken's A Christmas Carol in that I  "walk about the streets, ....and  found that everything could yield him pleasure.  He had never dreamed of any walk...could give him so much happiness."  It didn't feel that way to me last night and perhaps, in the coming days or weeks, I may struggle to keep that light hearted feeling on my commute home.

A slice of our innocence was lost yesterday.

But we are Canadians and a bunch of tough Motherfuckers.  We will not let the acts of yesterday frighten us.

But if there is one thing I can take away from the past year of my life is the ability and desire to find lessons to be learned in life.  The irrational events of yesterday are no different.

I posted on Facebook this morning and wanted to share it here:

In the midst of a heinous attack in our hometown, it is heart warming to see the outpouring of love, solidarity and pride on social media towards one another, our country and our city….
How can we encourage to continue the sentiment we feel today and not have it become a flash in the pan?

1. Pay your respects not only on this Remembrance Day but every year (and no that doesn’t include taking a “selfie” at the War Memorial)

2. It doesn’t need to be Remembrance Day to remember and respect our veterans and present day military. They have fought hard for Canada and to keep the rights and freedoms we sometimes take for granted

3. Vote and vote wisely. We have the right to vote for our leaders that so many countries do not. Research your municipal, provincial and federal candidates and make a wise and informed decision. Don’t waste democracy

4. Take a moment to refresh your knowledge on Canadian history and what we have accomplished to become the nation that we are. Teach your children because our educational system seems to have forgotten about it

5. Show your pride this Canada Day and every other day. We are the true north strong and free

O Canada!

Our home and native land!

True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,

The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Tribute to a Vixen

Unexpected bad news always seems to come at the strangest times….Well, is there ever a good time for bad news?

Last night, the eve before Okotberfest (my favorite holiday after Christmas) as I was getting ready for bed, I received an email from one of the Vixens.   T, another vixen I had mentioned in a May post had passed away.  It felt like someone dropped a brick on my chest. 

I only met her once.  It was on the day of my last chemo as I was leaving the hospital.  She was finishing radiation and my first impression was that she had a vibrant personality.  I also had a small streak of envy because she was closer to being finished treatment than I and would be moving on with her life, with what we expected, cancer being behind her.

She was close to my friend P and I heard so many good things about her through P.  The two girls were excellent support for one another.  It warmed my heart to hear about them going wig shopping or fitness classes together.  I have been extremely public about everything and continuously grateful of the support I am showered with.  So when someone is a little more private about her tour, like P; I worry.  It’s what I do best…unnecessarily worry (although I am working on it)  Knowing she had someone to confide in, made me feel better.

There was a selfish component again upon hearing the news and as I explained to someone this morning – There is an initial shock and sadness directed towards T and the family she leaves behind.  Then there is an incredible sadness for my friend P.  I cannot imagine how I would take the news of losing one of my kindred spirits that I have become close friends with during the tour.  Then those bastard “what ifs” kick in again....  What if it was one of my close friends?  What if I am next on the list?

In May when I learned that her cancer had returned, it affected me for days.  Although my heart still feels pretty heavy this morning, I am not going to let it be about me.  Everyone is different and cancer affects all of us differently.  I didn't know her but she obviously has made an impact on my life that I want to share.

This post is NOT going to be about me but a tribute to a fellow vixen....Right Now

T was a wife, a mother, a daughter, a relative, a friend, a colleague, a neighbor and a vixen!  She made an impact on people’s lives and provided support to fellow vixens.  The news of her leaving this world comes at the start of Breast Cancer Awareness month.  And cancer, no matter what kind it is, is a fucking bitch.  They day she learned that she had cancer, was the day she became a fighter....a soldier....a vixen.

Her passing is a reminder not only for women to have regular screening of their breasts or for anyone to have their health checked regularly; it is a reminder to live life to its fullest.  She was taken away from her loved ones too soon.  I hope they find some solace in believing that her spirit is now everywhere, around them. She will always be there when her children go to sleep at night, she will always be there looking over the shoulders of her friends.  Her arms will always be around the people she loved.

T is a reminder to take nothing for granted. 

Tell your family and friends that you love them

Don’t waste time on negativity, drama or bullshit

Focus on the positive

Find a purpose in everything

See the cup as half full

Look at the world with the same awe and wonder as a child

T is a reminder that every day is a gift

Node to Joy

Oh, the joys of losing 21 Lymph Nodes!

As I mentioned, between both surgeries a total of 21 lymph nodes were removed from my right arm.  Initially it was 5.  However, two tested positive for cancer and since a HER2 + cancer is considered aggressive, it was recommended to remove a larger cross section.  Thankfully the remaining lymph nodes were positive free.  In theory that means, they got it all.

The risks associated with this type of surgery can be loss of mobility in the arm and Lymphedema.

Lymphedema is a swelling that occurs when fluids build up in the arm.  They cannot drain properly because there are fewer or no lymph nodes to process the fluid and keep it moving.

Again, I am extremely lucky because any side effects i have are minimal.  But I honestly expected to have returned to my old self by this time….I haven’t yet and it frustrates the hell out of me

I have a pretty good range of motion in my arm.  However, there are points when I feel a pull in my arm, now and then I get a tingling sensation and sometimes my jewelry feels tight on the right side.  Both arms look the same, yet there is a slight swelling in the upper arm and collar bone.  Now and then it looks like I have a little back boob on the right side.  Whaddya gonna do?

I was fitted for a compression sleeve which helps push fluid through the arm but I hate to wear it.  If you ask me, its an over glorified pair of tights that costs an average on 114$ and apparently the custom ones are in a crazy price range (but they have a range of colors including animal print.  Hello??? A zebra print sleeve to match my zebra print jeans)  The nurse demonstrated how to pull it on and adjust it.  I followed her instructions closely, using a rubber glove when putting it on to avoid catching to jewelry or rough cuticles.  Which likely looked very strange to CATSA when they scanned my carry on at the airport to find one lonely yellow rubber glove.

Where I struggle the most is during my workouts.  I used to work out at least 3-4 times per week, and for example lift anywhere between 12-15 pounds doing triceps extensions.  Now I use half the amount of weight and my arm still feels numb afterwards.

Last week I attended an information session on Lymphedema – I learned how to give myself lymphatic massages, about the different sleeves and other aids to use on your arm and how to take care of my arm; moving forward. 

Not being the type to “google” stuff, I was the eager student constantly raising my hand with questions.  At one point I commented that I felt foolish being the only one with questions. 

“that’s alright” said the physiotherapist, “You are asking questions that people already have in their mind”

“Can I play paintball?”  I bet no one in the audience was thinking about that one.

“Only if you can promise that you will get hit from the waist down.  Why don’t you make an appointment to see me after this class” 

That’s code for “You obviously are stupid or stubborn or both and I want to see you because you are voted most likely to injure yourself.”

Happy Anniversary

Tomorrow marks my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer. For as long as I live, I will not forget the exact moment I heard the news....

On August 19, 2013 my doctor looked at me sympathetically and said:

 "The lump is indicative of cancer."

I can still hear her tone of voice.  Those words lingered in the air.

The previous Friday I had what I suspected would be a normal mammogram.  A lump was detected earlier in the summer and having been through this before, expected it to be no big deal.  I pushed off making a doctor's appointment and tests.  During the ultra sound, the radiologist came in and began to do a second set of images.  When he finished and as I was lying there topless, covered in boob jelly, he told me that I needed more images, an MRI and was referring me to a surgeon.

"Woah!  Woah woah"  I said "I have been through these tests before and no one has even said that. You are scaring me."

"This lump is abnormal and we need to move quickly." He replied.

Then I was stuck back in the waiting room surrounded by people, with what seemed like an eternity to have another mammogram.  I struggled to keep it together and the minute I got back into my car, bawled my eyes out.  Over the weekend, I was stressed but thought it was an error.  Everything was going to be fine...  They were just being cautious...  It was a benign tumour or something like that...  Everyone was creating a panic for nothing...

Then on the Monday I returned a call from my family Dr and was asked to come into her office.

Laura wouldn't let me go alone.

The second my Doctor told me the news, I broke down, sobbing; and as she hugged me, apologized profusely.

I tried to gain some sense of composure, threw on my over sized sunglasses (Thank God!) and walked back out to the waiting room.  Of course Laura was anxious to know what the results were but I pulled her out of the building before I told her.  And sobbed uncontrollably in the parking lot.

In retrospect I have no clue why my Doctor apologized - (although afterwards she reminded that when I first told her about the lump she had joked "Watch it be cancer")  Both she and my surgeon had both said that to touch the lump, you would not expect it to be cancerous.  It was very mobile which apparently is unusual for a cancerous growth.  But wanting to be safe than sorry she sent me for a mammogram.  A few years earlier I had found a small lump and wanted it checked.  My family doctor at the time didn't think it was anything serious but the lump changed size and I returned alarmed.  He still did not request a mammogram but I went to a walk in clinic and asked to be referred for a mammogram.  In the end it turned out to be nothing but I felt that he wasn't taking care of my needs and switched to me present day family doctor.   If I was still under his care last year, things may have turned out much differently for me and perhaps for the worst.  To the touch it didn't seem like a big deal but the image of the lump in the ultra sound was in the shape of star.  When a tumour has little legs coming out of it, it pretty much is a text book case of cancer.  I have my ultra sound images.  I know exactly what they are talking about.

I couldn't be alone for the following two weeks.  I tried my best to work during the day and then took turns spending evenings with my friends.   Lying in bed alone at nights; my mind constantly drifted to the worst case scenario and they were not healthy thoughts.

The day I met with the surgeon, she confirmed that the ultra sound results were pretty cut and dried.  It was likely cancerous but the jury was still out on the lymph nodes.  Initially she suspected surgery and radiation.

My surgeon looked me straight in the eye and said "Now if you listen to me and do exactly what I tell you, everything will be fine."

I walked away feeling the most confident than I had in weeks.  I started to become more calm and realized that I wasn't the first person to be diagnosed with cancer and I wouldn't be the last.  I wasn't going to let it get me.

Then the battery of tests began...MRI, more ultra sounds, biopsies, meet with the surgeon, blood tests, etc etc - all of these tests are standard procedure and with each test brought about the same result:  Cancer.  Eventually I said "Enough already.  We already know I have cancer.  Just take it out!"  Finally, the day after my birthday, my doctor called  to confirm the final test result: Cancer.

Over the past year, I have reflected on those few days, post diagnosis.  I have never in my entire life felt that vulnerable, scared and helpless and in the end, it was all for nothing.  I survived the past year and expect to stick around much longer.  The year has flown by and as I mentioned in my last entry, it was one of the most incredible learning experiences ever.

Fuck you cancer!  

You thought you would win but you will never win.  You showed me how strong I really was.   You were a catalyst that showered me with love and support from all of my family and friends.  You opened my eyes to all the wonderful things that I should be thankful for.  You introduced me to the most amazing set of vixens. You inspired me to want to achieve greater things in life.

You may have invaded my body and you may invade it again but you will never break my spirit!