A few weeks ago, a friend on Facebook challenged me to write
three positive statements or expressions of gratitude for seven days. I accepted the challenge because I believe
that using social media to put in the universe a positive message/energy
could only bring about good things. Part
of the challenge included asking two people each day to do the same. The end result was every time I checked my
Facebook news feed, it was filled with positive energy from people posting what
they are grateful for that lasted for several days! How awesome is that??
On the last day I expressed my gratitude for being dealt the
cancer card. That’s a pretty unusual
statement to make and I feel I need to
elaborate.
Let’s set the record straight: I do not wish cancer upon
anyone. The past year has not been easy. There is not one day that goes
by that I don’t think about it. When I
look in the mirror at my scars, radiation tattoos or my port, I am reminded. I still can’t lift heavy
weights at the gym and am being be fitted for a compression sleeve today. I have photos of my bald head, wigs, odd
mementos and items lying around (like a box of medical supplies in the
cupboard) to remind me. I think about
what my body has gone through and frequently wonder if it will ever come
back.
But over the past year, there are moments, I would not trade
for anything. I have learned so much
about cancer, about the people in my life and most importantly, about
myself.
Below are the top ten things I
have learned from having cancer:
- The importance of a healthy diet/
exercise
I always knew eating healthy was
important. I just chose to ignore
it. I was lucky – I could eat whatever I
wanted and not gain weight. My diet
consisted of red meat, carbs, salt, sugar, fat and very little vegetables.
I decided that adjusting my diet to include more
vegetables like broccoli, cabbage and kale; would help keep my body healthy and
therefore help manage any side effects of treatments. I learned the benefits of juicing (how else
can I eat two whole heads of broccoli in one day?) and experimenting with ways
to mask the taste of vegetables. In the
past few months, I believe I have consumed more vegetables than I ever have in
my entire life.
Do I believe it will cure me from cancer? Absolutely not – so to anyone out there who
believes that eating lemon rind, or soursop fruit, or turmeric, or wheat grass
will cure and prevent cancer from returning; I just don’t want to hear it and
please don’t be insulted if I reject your belief; especially if you have never
had cancer in the first place. If
pineapples cured cancer, they would cost more than 3.99 at Loblaws. End of Story!
- Everyone has an opinion. Trust your own
People genuinely want to help and that is
fantastic! It makes the world a better
place. But I was quickly overwhelmed
with advice and opinions of people. Some
thoughts included that I should not have worked during treatments, that I
needed acupuncture, naturopath, physio, special mastectomy bras, XYZ vitamins,
that I shouldn’t stay at the farm alone, that I should not work out… even my ability
to drive was questioned.
The best opinion to follow is your own gut
instinct. You know yourself better than
anybody
For example, there is no point in seeing a
Nutritionist who believes in a vegan diet when I hate vegetables! It makes more sense for me to speak with moms
who sneak veggies into their kids’ foods successfully.
I learned to ask for help when I
wanted or needed it. That is a pretty
big, gutsy move, especially for someone who is independent. People are afraid to
show vulnerability but it’s ok to ask for help from time to time. I also learned how to be selfish and that NO
is the biggest word in the English language.
I am grateful for everything that everyone has done but sometimes I
wanted to be alone. I didn’t mean I was
depressed or sick. I cannot go out every
evening to dinner, I cannot have 3-4 people visiting me the day after chemo,
and when I was flat out on the floor in pain from treatment; people checking in
on me was the last thing I wanted.
I have learned that if I want to help a friend, going
through a difficult time, the best way to check in on them, offer my services,
maybe even suggesting how I can help (i.e pick up groceries, shovel a walk way
in the winter.) Then, step away and let them ask me for help when they are
ready.
- Use your china and silverware
How often have we purchased or received a gift that we use specifically on special occasions, only to discover 5 years later, we never used
it? What is the point of having
something if we do not enjoy it?
I recently watched my God daughter play in the dirt
at home, wearing a cute, ruffled party dress and her ball cap. At 4, she is totally unaware that she gets the
concept. She likes her dress and doesn’t
need a special reason to wear it. She
will outgrow that dress in a year anyways.
So use your china when eating Kraft Dinner, wear your
fine jewelry while grocery shopping, set out your white tables linens at your next
dinner (Ok, I still struggle with that one), and drink that expensive bottle of
wine on a random Tuesday evening to celebrate that you made it through another day. If you don’t think you will never use something,
get rid of it to either A- make more room for what you will use and enjoy and
B- perhaps someone else may enjoy what you do not want.
You never know what could happen tomorrow and it
would really suck if you never take advantage of the opportunity to enjoy what
you have.
- Meditation/reflection and solitude
Meditation is something that takes lots of
practice. When I started working from
home, I practiced meditation. I found an
app to guide me through the process which helped and I
became better at it, when I took time off work. I would even set myself up outside
to practice. I actually put a reminder in my calendar to mediate every day at 5
PM.
One of my favorite memories is sitting in the middle
of a forest, oblivious to the cold, meditating while a dozen deer graze around
me. To sit that still is an incredible
feat.
This exercise came in handy during radiation. Sure I had to stay still for only 5 minutes
but Murphy’s Law dictates that is the precise time when I had an itchy
nose. Using the techniques I learned
over the previous months, I was able to zone out and ignore external
forces. I began to look forward to those
5 minutes every day.
My former art teacher, and fellow vixen recommended
that I use my time at the farm to live like a monk…to reflect and
meditate. What a smart woman. Having the time off gave me the opportunity
to think about what I have accomplished in life, thus far and what I need to do
moving forward, to accomplish further goals.
- The importance of family and friends
During the last few months, I relied on family
and friends for help and support. In a
post earlier this year, I wrote about my appreciation for everything everyone
has done and the encourgaement is never ending!
Peter constantly reminds me how the past year has brought me closer to
my family. Yup, he is right.
My family and community have given me an incredible
amount of support and the trivial things we may have argued about in the past,
are overlooked. My friends are my second
family and I can’t thank everyone enough for doing all that they have
done. I get very choked up thinking
about how everyone rallied around me. I
hope that one day, I will have a chance to repay everyone individually for their kindness.
I learned of the limitations of some people. There are people I can come
to in a moment of crisis and others cannot handle any stress in their lives
other than their own. It doesn’t make
them bad people. I just accept who they
are and what they can handle. I can cry on some shoulders and others I can have a beer and talk about the weather. I don’t
have time to manage others' agendas, emotions and reactions at this point of my
life. Maybe someday I will, but not
right now.
I also realize that there people who are negative,
toxic and full of drama that I need to step away from.
I don’t hate them or are mad at them.
I may be disappointed in some but learning to let these people and the
negativity they bring to the table, go allows me to focus on others who have
made a more positive impact on my life.
- Spirituality plays a role
Not everyone believes in God and I am not the person
to convince anyone he/she does exist. It’s a personal thing. In my case, I was raised in a faith based
home. I go to church. I used to teach Sunday School and now I am
even a church councillor. Although it
makes me cringe when I hear my name announced during prayers, it is comforting
to know my church community thinks of me.
It kind of surprised me that after being diagnosed
with cancer I didn’t turn into a God loving bible thumper or become the exact
opposite; reject God because I felt he abandoned me. I have actually spent a lot of time pondering this…how come this situation has not solidified or crumbled my faith?
Then it dawned on me that that having a sense of
Faith doesn’t mean you have to pray more, go to church more or become totally
God fearing. I have accepted and
embraced my situation and tried to find its purpose in order to make a positive
impact in my life and in others’ lives. Rather
than viewing cancer as a life sentence, I see it as doing community
service. How can I use it to make it a
better world? Discovering faith in
myself and having a desire to make a positive impact has in fact, made my
relationship with God stronger.
My greatest fear is being dead. No one has ever told us what it feels like….I
mean really dead and buried in the ground or cremated, not that "I saw a white light for 5 seconds on an operating table" crap. If there is a soul; are we aware we are in a
small box, covered with dirt? Are we
aware we are being burned to ashes? Is
there really a heaven and is it high up in the sky where we look down upon our
loved ones? (because I am also afraid of heights.) These questions have plagued me since I was a
child. My former Art Teacher, Carol (can
you not tell that I love this woman to bits?) told me once that perhaps our
souls are not inside our bodies but they are a larger entity and our bodies
live inside our soul. So when we die,
it’s like losing a fingernail and there is so much of us leftover in the
universe. Doesn’t seem so bad when you
think of it that way.
I trained myself to be less afraid. I cannot predict the future. I believe God has it all planned out for me
and everything serves it purpose. Cancer
may return tomorrow or it may never. I
may die next week, next year or 40 years from now. When it’s my turn, it will be my turn. I can’t stop the inevitable or waste my time
thinking about it.
- Cancer doesn’t have to be scary
Or any illness, tragedy or stressful, life altering
situation. Prior to August 19, 2013; I
knew nothing about cancer. I thought it
made people die. I thought treatments
were the same for every type of cancer and made everyone sick and weak. I thought radiation and chemotherapy were the
same thing.
So when my doctor told me that I have cancer, I
did not take the news well. I was scared
shitless! I thought I was going to die
and for about two weeks, I couldn’t make it through one hour without breaking
down. I was scared to be alone because I
would consistently imagine the worst possible scenario.
It wasn’t until my first consultation with my surgeon
that I realized I could get through this.
She put my mind at ease that it was treatable and that I would return to
normal when it was all completed.
After our consultation and an evening fuelled with alcohol, followed by an incredible hangover the next
day; my fear was replaced with determination.
My mottos became: “It’s gonna take more than a lump in my boob to get me
down” and “Survive cancer like a rock star.”
I decided to turn the next year into an experience, document it and
celebrate every milestone. I was going to get through this; physically and emotionally
- In difficult times, people find ways to cope and find
an inner strength
To elaborate more on the above, people find their own
way to deal with crap. Some of the women
I met on the tour, preferred experiencing their own personal tour
privately. I was the opposite. One way isn’t better than the other. It is finding what works for you. I relied on my sense of humour and
outgoing and open attitude to get through everything. I turned chemo in a party, I embraced my
scars and bald head. I learned to make
the best of the situation and view it as an experience
I did everything in my power to keep my usual
routine. Sure, I was frustrated that I
couldn’t do some of things I like to do, like the winter beer festival,
snowshoeing or skating for long periods of time or Christmas parties but I had
to be smart about things. On the flip
side, I looked for bonuses…like the free swag you get from the Look Good,
Feel Better program or the portraits from the photo shoots, I participated in. Again, the c card is a shitty one to be dealt so take advantage of any perks.
- Be careful what you wish for
For years I always said “I need to eat healthy,” “I need to learn to slow down,” "I should take better care of myself," “I need to learn to not sweat the small
stuff” and never really did anything about it.
Guess what? When you are going
through cancer treatments, you learn how to do all the above.
While I was off work, I was reading about the
fundamentals of Tibetan Buddhism and “Noble Truths.” One of the teachings that really struck a
chord with me was that sometimes bad instances should not be viewed
as a sufferings but as opportunities for development. An example was provided of someone surviving
a heart attack to see it as a warning to make appropriate changes to his or
her lifestyle.
That is exactly how I have viewed my diagnosis. It’s a second chance at making better choices
for myself. I hope I do not waste
that second chance
I am going to sound like a total nut job for a second
but I feel like a different person. I feel
lighter, happier, my senses are heightened and have an overall feeling of
satisfaction and gratitude. The only
example I can equate it to: Ebenezer
Scrooge waking up, after being visited by the ghost of Christmas yet to come,
to find that he is still alive. He has a renewed sense of gratitude and states "I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, Present and the Future. The spirits of all three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach!"
Furthermore, Dickens writes: "He went to the church, and walked about the streets, and watched the people hurrying to and fro, and patted the children on the head, and questioned beggars, and looked down into the kitchens of homes, and up to the windows, and found that everything could yield him pleasure. He had never dreamed of any walk...could give him so much happiness"
Some days when I walk to work, I feel the same way
- It’s your own choice to be the victim or the
conqueror
Just before I returned to work, I came across a
powerful quote by a man named Victor Frankl who wrote about his experiences
living in a concentration camp in a book called “Man’s Search for Meaning.” His
theory is how a prisoner imagines his future, affects his longevity.
"Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances; to choose one's own way."
Wow....I have yet to read his book and in absolutely in now way would I ever equate surviving cancer to survival in a concentration camp but Frankl walked away from a horrific situation and shared his experience to inspire and motivate others. If he has chosen not to be a victim, I have no reason to see myself as one.
Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in unpleasant situations. Sometimes it is our own doing; other times it is at the hand of another or circumstances beyond anyone's control. We have a choice. We can lament and pin blame or we can learn, look for a solution and move forward. In my opinion, the latter makes us better people.
I am not perfect and do not pretend to be. I have made mistakes in my life and guess what? I will likely make many more. Some people will like me and others will think I am a complete asshole. But I feel that I have learned some very valuable lessons over the past year. I was lucky and after observing others at the hospital, know that I got off scot free. I have been given another chance to appreciate what I have, look for ways to improve myself and to give back to society, hoping to make a positive impact no matter how small it may be.
And I finish with one more quote by Frankl:
The
pessimist resembles a man who observes with fear and sadness that his wall calendar,
from which he daily tears a sheet, grows thinner with each passing day. On the
other hand, the person who attacks the problems of life actively is like a man
who removes each successive leaf from his calendar and files it neatly and
carefully away with its predecessors, after first having jotted down a few
diary notes on the back. He can reflect with pride and joy on all the richness
set down in these notes, on all the life he has already lived to the fullest.
That is exactly how I want to live!!
