Avoiding the "What Ifs"

Now that I am half way through radiation, things are running a bit more efficiently.  I find I do not wait as long for a machine and have realized, I should do a little shopping in the neighbourhood of the hospital, etc to kill time during rush hour, before heading home.  I have my routine down to an almost science.  Hop on the bed, crack a few jokes and get the show on the road.

Sometimes the technicians play music.  I have not brought any music to share as they probably would not enjoy my selections and the actual radiation takes less time than most songs.  One day, Mr Tambourine Man by Bob Dylan was playing.  For someone who enjoys good 80s hair metal, having to lie still and listen to Dylan’s whiny voice was the equivalent to Chinese water torture.  Other tunes include hits from the Bee Gees or Cold Play and have been better selections for me.

Speaking of lying still, I noticed mesh masks on a wall behind me.  They are for people receiving radiation to the head area.  Masks are fitted to the patient in order to keep their head perfectly still, as they do not want any other vital organs hit.  Now that is scary stuff for a whole lot of reasons, including the whole claustrophobic aspect.  You never have to look far for someone who has it worse than you.

So far the skin has become red and a little bit of pain but nothing worse than the time I spent an afternoon in Miami, on the beach wearing an SPF 8 oil…..That was an incredibly dumb idea.

I have even met a few new cancer vixens!  When you visit the same waiting room every day, you are bound to start a conversation.  I notice that I tend to gravitate towards women who appear to be my age and I am fascinated by everyone’s story.

Over Victoria Day weekend, I had a few family members and friends over for the first bonfire of the season.  What a fantastic night!  It was chilly but at least the stayed bugs away.  All the kids had an excellent time just running around in the back yard with a soccer ball.  Brigitte brought over the most amazing popcorn (which does not help losing the 25 lbs I gained during chemo) and my God Child, Delaney has decided she wants to move to my farm.

My cousin's son commented that he forgot what I look like with hair....You know what?  So do I

After everyone left and as I was bringing cups and snacks inside, I checked my emails on my phone.  I received a message from one of my fellow cancer vixens.  I had met one her friends briefly on the day of my last chemo.  This woman  finished her chemo and radiation to treat breast cancer in March.  She recently has found out that her cancer has returned to her liver and its inoperable.  If anything would wipe a feel good smile off my face form the evening’s festivities; it would be that.  I think you could hear a needle scratch right off the record....How can that happen??  She would’ve had all the same bone, chest, liver tests prior to chemo and they were clean.  She put her body through hell and back with chemo, plus radiation….only to have cancer return in a couple of months?

I felt horrible and scared for her.  I believe there is an automatic bond that is shared with women who have been diagnosed and treated with breast cancer.  Even though I only met her once, can only imagine what a blow it must be to her and her family.  I worried about my friend too, as I can imagine the thoughts running through her head.  Then I got completely selfish and started thinking about myself.  What if this happens to me?  I have mentally prepared myself of the chance that my cancer may return.  And decided I will just go through the same motions I went through in the past few months and pull through.  I may not be as chipper as I have been during this tour but you learn to manage.  I also would never in a million years expect it to return that quickly.

The thought weighed heavy on my mind for a few days.  I was a bit emotional pulling into the Cancer Centre’s parking lot, thinking what’s the point of doing this?

Then I realized I was being the biggest hypocrite ever.  First of all; how dare I make this about me.  I have become so selfish and it isn't about me - It's about someone else.  Any energy I have should be directed in sending positive vibes and prayers her way.  Secondly, I have been adamant about not having people feel sorry for me so why am I feeling sorry for myself…over something that has not even happened???

Apparently these fears are common – the whole “what if this doesn’t work?  What if it comes back?”   Kim, being the counsellor she is, gave me a fantastic analogy:  My 4 year old Godchild and her sister are afraid that an alligator lives under their bed and will come to eat them in the middle of the night.  It likely will never happen but a perfectly justifiable fear for a young child.  It is also justifiable that a 39 year old woman being treated for breast cancer, has a fear of it returning.  It doesn’t mean it will happen.

I don’t want to live my life like that...wondering if my cancer returns.  Cancer has taught me, among other things; life is too short to waste on the “what if” or the “shoulda.”  There are always going to be circumstances beyond your control but its up to yourself to direct your energy towards what is important to you and keep it positive. 

My nephew and I...he forgot what I look like with long hair but he will soon be reminded