Managers, Roadies, Fans and Groupies

Every Rock Star has an entourage and I am no different.

I have been hesitant to write about all the wonderful people in my life that have offered so much support for fear I may miss and offend someone.  Everything that everyone has done for me has been greatly appreciated - From my family, my friends, my colleagues, my health care team; even people I have never met before, have been beyond amazing. The people I write about below only scratches the surface.

Thank you everyone - you all know who you are

WARNING - This is a long post and there are still so many others to thank

Family: I have been told the one of the last things a parent wants to hear is that their child has cancer.  Imagine their shock when my folks called on the Saturday, after my mammogram to ask if I could sing in church and I am sobbing on the other end because "the lump in my breast is abnormal and they need to act quickly."  Two days later they get another call from me, after half a bottle of scotch, telling them "the lump is indicative of cancer."

I have to give them credit, they held it together very well, been fantastic at offering anything I need and helping out any way they can.  The problem is when they have spent the last 39 years raising a child to be self sufficient and independent; its very hard for me to return home for help.

The rest of the family has been incredibly supportive and concerned but the beauty is no one treats me any differently.  After my first chemo, my aunt said "Too bad you were not staying here longer.  You could help me clean the church windows." 

My cousin Susie, who is the closest thing I have to sibling and her husband have treated me no differently either.  Steven said my head looked like a big Q-tip after I shaved it.

Friends:  The support of my friends has been amazing.  Everyone has their own lives and their own shit to deal with, yet they have all been there for me.  The day my Dr called me into her office, I was going to go in alone (I was in denial that the lump would be anything more than a cyst) but Laura wouldn't let me go alone and I am so grateful.  After I got the news, I slipped on oversized sunglasses, walked right out of the office and sobbed in her arms in the parking lot. Not wanting to be alone, I went back to her place, drank all her scotch and sobbed some more.

In addition, Laura has been documenting every step of this tour by taking fantastic photos.  Some may think that keeping reminders is an odd thing but I am actually quite proud of my scars, my bald head, and the bags under my eyes.  I want to remember this year - This whole year is going to change my life forever and if remembering is making a cancer scrap book at the end, so be it.

I call Meta my Tour Manager as she has come to every Dr. app't after Laura started working again.  She is like Sharon and I am Ozzy.  In the first few weeks following diagnosis, I thought of reaching out to Meta, just have her common sense calm me down.  We used to work together but it had been a while since we last spoke.  How do you call someone up that you haven't talked to in months and say "Hey, Guess what?  I have cancer and I am pretty close to having a melt down. So can you come over and talk some sense into me?"  Then fate struck; she called me and over a glass of wine, asked if she could help in any way.  I asked if she could come to an appointment with my surgeon because I needed someone to take notes.  And she has been there ever since!  She is the only person that can take 5 pages of notes during a 20 minute consultation and ask questions, no one would ever think of asking. 

When I landed in emergency, Meta met me 10:30 PM at the hospital door, sporting a rock Tshirt and a mask (we still argue over the mask issue) and stayed by my side until 2:30 AM.

And every time I have a long day, bad day, get hit with news, etc; Meta's message is "Hey, you never have to do this day over again"

Kim and Shawn have been huge supporters.  Shawn likes to refer to himself as my Roadie and has decided his role in the tour is to chauffeur me to my surgeries (with a cheeseburger waiting in the car, post surgery.)  Kim has been to a few of my chemo sessions, educated herself at chemo school and essentially been on call if I need anything. 

Angela has been the official researcher.  After it was confirmed I would be receiving chemo, I asked Ang to look into where I could find decent quality, cheap wigs. Within two hours in the middle of a conference, I receive a text from her saying she found a free wig for me, signed me up for a wig hairstyling course and another workshop.  After all her hard work, I decided that I don't like wigs and she has knitted toques for me.

Having gone through a mammogram and ultra sound for a lump in the past and it turned out to be no big deal, I didn't think this one was any different.  Peter urged me to take it seriously, get it checked out by a doctor and made sure I booked an appointment.  Thank God I listened to him because he essentially saved my life.  Then months later after I started chemo, he came over for a visit but about 10 minutes before he walked through the door, I reached a fever.  An hour later, he is taking me to the hospital.  I have joked that he is bad luck for me but he listens to me whine when I have bad days and delivered contraband McDonalds when I was in the hospital.

One of the toughest moments to swallow was getting an email from my girlfriend, Vonda shortly after my diagnosis.  In it she wrote "I am sad, scared and feel totally helpless (because I am not there.)"   That was when it really hit me that having cancer just didn't affect me but affected the people I love.  Furthermore, there were a lot of people in my life who didn't know a lot about cancer, myself included.  That is when I decided that my blog would be more than letting everyone know my status but also to educate everyone that cancer isn't that scary. Even though Vonda lives in Montreal, she has offered a tremendous amount of support just by checking in. She has taken it a step further in educating herself and the kids, sending cute care packages with all sorts of fun goodies, including hand knit caps from Gracia.  I knew I was driving the right message across with my blog when I received another message from Vonda, the week after I shaved my head. She wrote " You are so fucking cool.  The kids are amazed at your strength.  I am so glad they have a woman like you in their lives." 

Cue the water works!

The list has been endless!  Carolyn has been on call night and day; setting me up in the hospital and wig shopping.  She attempted to knit too but from what I have heard, its best I stick with Ang and Gracia's handi work.  Laurie took off my bandages after surgery.  Gailene has stopped in to pet sit, with little to no notice; often hiding food in the fridge.  Philip stocked me up with vegetable soup that I actually eat and introduced me to my super cool food guru, Linh.  Elle delivered broccoli salad, lentil loaf and threatened my life if I didn't eat my veggies.  Darren shaved his head as a sign of solidarity. Tammy, Carey, Tracey, Gisele and countless other have put me on their prayer list.  Krista sports concert shirts, Jen supplies me with rock shirts, Mirella takes me grocery shopping and Karma "Hugs the shit out of me."  Genevieve shaved my head and lent me some pretty cool wigs.  Paul sends inspirational quotes, Eric and Pam encourage me to juice and Christian is my cheerleader.  I haven't even scraped the surface of my support network.  There are so many special people in my life

Work:  After my mammogram/ultra sound, I went back to work and hid in my cubicle for the rest of the day, crying.  By Monday morning I had to tell my bosses what was up and after I got the news, texted them "My Dr. thinks it is cancer.  I am not coming back to the office.  Going to drink."  The next day, sitting in my cubicle with swollen eyes, my colleague, Puneet who sits behind me, asked what was up.  When I told him my news, he said exactly what I needed to hear:  "F*ck off....Whatever! You are going to pull through that shit no problem" 

I wanted to continue working to maintain a level of sanity and a sense of purpose and Ian Martin Group has gone beyond accommodating.  I received all the tools I need to work from home and through things like video conferencing I feel like I am still in the loop.  My colleagues have been there to help and check in on me.  I am very lucky to be working for such a great company with amazing people.

The other day, I officially gave my notice that I will be taking some time off as I am heading towards the finish line of my chemo treatments.  I cried off an on all day.  I knew that I wanted to do this but all of a sudden I felt like I had let my team down, I wasn't as productive as I should be and that I have become more of a burden to the company than a help.  I have never "not worked" in my life so the thought of not contributing somewhere, actually scares me.  I need to be busy and have a sense of purpose.

In addition to Ian Martin Group, my former colleagues at Holt Renfrew have reached out with their kind wishes and support.  I met some great people and forged some strong friendships during the 15 years I worked at Holts as an employee and as a freelance artist.  Miriam is one of my biggest fans - She is like my Cancer Coach; offering advice, checking in and reminding me that I'm going to have good and bad days but that I will get through this.  In addition, I sport one pink ribbon- ish item from Meris: A black bracelet with one pink bead that she gave to me the day before my surgery.  On my last day of Herceptin treatments (God forbid that will be the last "treatment")  I want to pass it on to someone else in the chemo unit.

Cancer Vixens - I can't take credit for the term but as soon as I was diagnosed, I reached out to a few women who have been through treatment for breast cancer.  Initially, I wanted to remind myself that I wasn't the only person who has cancer and that people come out the other end perfectly fine and carry on their lives.  Even though everyone is different, having them share their experiences has prepared me for what to expect during chemo.  Some of these women, I have never even physically met and I appreciate them taking the time to answer my random questions and open up to share a very personal part of their lives with me.  Plus aside from my medical team, I tend to only follow the advice I have received form these women because they know first hand what it's like.  Christine, Janet, Sarah, Laurie, Lee Anne and other women I have talked to are all rock stars!!  I wouldn't mess with them - they are pretty tough gals to have endured what they have.

As this post is already too long, I will save a separate entry for my health care team at a later point after I have gotten better acquainted with some key players - These are the people I am trusting my life with right now and so far they are doing an awesome job.

I think back to November's chemo school and listening to that one woman who seemed to alone for her tour.  I wonder about her often and how she is coping.  I don't think I would be handling my treatments as well as I have with out the love and support of all the special people in my life. 

I can't even count my blessings....

I think this photo of Meta holding my hand during treatment sums up the level of support she has offered during the tour

Half Way Mark

As of last Thursday, I am half way completed chemo.

Yay for me!!

Again and thankfully, it was uneventful.  Susie and Kim accompanied me to this round.  Susie even busted out her 1988 AC/DC concert shirt for the occasion.  It was disgustingly cold but on the bright side, since I am not allowed to drive, I never have to get into a cold car.

My only complaint would be that the nurse did not ice my port before hooking me up and it was an annoying pain that lasted for a couple of days later.  When I had commented afterwards that we had not iced the area and it was sore; another nurse looked at me and disagreed stating the ice doesn't help.  I thought to myself; "Really?  You have a port and know this first hand?"

Upon leaving the hospital, my steroids and hunger kicked in...So, let's go eat!  I still don't understand modern medicine.  All the horror stories of  people drastically losing weight, vomiting, lack of appetite; and I wolf down four plates at a buffet.  Susie says its our German descent (I have increased my sauerkraut intake since chemo began)

When I arrived home, I opened my loot bag from the pharmacy and realized they forgot to give me one of my anti nausea meds.  The girls were heading home, I couldn't drive and it was too cold to do anything about it - Plus the post chemo fatigue was kicking in.  Turns out  I had no nausea but I feel bad because I assume my results cannot be used as part of the clinical trial now.

The next day, a new nurse stopped in, as my regular was still on holidays.  She was determined to teach me how to give my own Neulasta injection.  I wasn't very happy about sticking a needle in my gut and releasing the goods s-l-o-w-l-y. 

Typically I am not one to sit still. Those who know me, know that I am always out and usually have my life planned 3 weeks in advance; scheduling in an evening at home to catch up on housework.  Even my "getaways" at the farm consist of renovations or other small projects.  Even during treatments, I have managed toI cannot tell you the last time I took a weekend, let alone a day and do absolutely nothing.

I did absolutely nothing last weekend and it was a glorious eye opener!

After the first round of chemo my energy levels were not affected.  Second round, I was too busy and pushed through the weekend by baking, decorating my tree and wrapping gifts.  I was concerned that I drove from the farm back to Ottawa in snow.  Nothing happened but it still wasn't a smart decision.

Although this time, Gailene was coming along; I couldn't bring myself to get off the couch on Saturday.  I called my parents and asked that they keep my pets for another week.

My mom was quite happy to help and as she clams, the cats give her hugs every time she walks in the door. She also feeds them twice as much as I do and I can envision the look of disappointment on their faces when I walk through the door next time.

So, my weekend was spent between my couch and my bed, with a heating pad to soothe my sore joints from the Neulasta.  I can't tell you how many hours I slept but it was a lot and if I wasn't sleeping; I was reading (or eating.)  I even ate Kraft Dinner in bed on Saturday.  The experience really drove home the importance to slow down and listen to our bodies more often.   I don't believe that everyone should become a couch potato but I think all of us can benefit by taking time (whether its minutes, hours or days) to stop...Not "stop and smell the roses" or "appreciate the finer things in life" but just STOP.

The first of many lessons to be learned in 2014.  I began to schedule meditation into my calendar.

So what's next?  The cocktail of chemo will be changing on January 23rd.  The fear of nausea should no longer be a concern, however I will have to be on guard against infections and fevers.  I am a little nervous how my body will react.  I have been very lucky thus far.  The nurses have informed me that my fingers and toes will be kept cool during treatment as I should experience a numbing sensation, my nails will become very brittle and turn red.  Other than that, I should expect aches and pains throughout my body but I am not sure if they are referring to the side effects of the injections.

During treatment, I need to suck on ice chips or Mr. Freezies to keep my mouth cool.  My nurse didn't ask what colours I wanted....I don't like the white or melon kinds

The Ladysmith Crew! 

Resolutions

New Years' Eve and Day has always been for me, as I am sure for many people, a time to reflect on the past year; remembering all the fun times and the lessons learned.  It is of course a time to look forward to the coming year and set goals.

My resolution in 2013 was to have more fun and experience new things.  I tried snowmobiling, archery and skiing for the first time.  I went to a hockey game, saw a few bands I loved in high school, had a girls night out in Montreal, partied in Orlando, experienced a real music festival, camped in a tent, made some new friends, focused on my art work plus many more fun memories

Being diagnosed with breast cancer wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I said I wanted to experience new things, but it really has opened my eyes to so many things about myself and how blessed I truly am.

When I heard the phrase "you find the strength you never knew you had," I used to cringe.  It just sounded so lame and self help.  Now I kind of get it.  If you would have told me a year ago that I would have cancer, have surgery, chemo, more surgery, radiation plus another year of treatments; I would have said "No fucking way."  But here I am and plugging away.

The first few weeks were tough emotionally; as was sharing the news with family and friends, but I am surprised how quickly I have bounced back.  I have very few "bad days."  I can't change the fact I have cancer.  Crying or moping isn't going to help so I might as well get on with it.  As I tell myself "I really don't have time for this."

The support I have received from my family, friends; even people I hardly know has been overwhelming.  I can't say it enough times but the people in my life are truly amazing and any "courage" I have is a result of surrounding myself with incredible people.  Having cancer has strengthened some friendships, bonded me closer to my family and community, developed new friendships and allowed me to let go of others who were "unhealthy."

2014 will be my most challenging year.  The first 4-5 months will be physically difficult due to chemo and surgery but my treatments will continue into 2015. My primary resolution is to get through 2014, keeping the same mentality and physical endurance as I have now.

In addition, I want to use cancer as an opportunity to grow in 2014. My goal is to spend the year looking at ways I can create a greater balance in my life and improve myself.  This is an opportunity to learn to eat better, drink more water, sleep more and take better care of myself.  I am learning to prioritize my life and focus on what is important to me.  I will continue to learn to say "NO" without guilt and ask for help when needed.  In addition, using the ability to work from home as an exercise in maintaining focus, prioritizing, organization. 

I have received many messages from people who have been following my blog; telling me how I have inspired them.  That's really nice and encouraging to hear but I really don't consider myself an inspiration.  I have just been lucky.  I haven't endured much suffering or discomfort and really don't feel I am doing anything extraordinary.  Cancer treatments are not what they were even 10 years ago and the horrible side effects people hear about no longer exist.  In addition, I have been able to work, maintain a quasi social life, have a very healthy appetite and stay pretty active.  Someone who was in a horrible accident, paralyzed from the waist down who trains and competes in sports is an inspiration. I am not the only person who has, is or will be going through this.  I have met some pretty amazing women who have been treated for breast cancer: They have all survived and come out the other end in great shape.

If anyone of you were told tomorrow that you have cancer, you would find a way to get through it.  My security blanket is humour and coming from a stubborn stock.

Round Two

Last Thursday, as the Ratt song goes; I was "Back for More"...

This time I landed at the General and hope to stay there for the duration of my treatments. 

During my stay at the hospital the week prior, I didn't want the nurses to use my port for administering fluids, or blood work.  I still had not grown used to the idea, thought it would hurt, am a baby and expected I would be sent home after a few hours, anyways.  WRONG!!  Now, I still don't have veins left in my arms for my blood work which is required before chemo and being new to this, didn't realize I need to schedule an appointment to use the port to gather blood.  You know there are going to be problems when the lab tech asks if your blood is as stubborn as you are...She had some issues but she finally got what she needed.  When I returned for treatment a few hours later, she shouted across the hall to me "There's the baby!" 

Yes.  Next time use the damn port.

Round 2 was equally uneventful as the first.  Kim and Carolyn joined me for the afternoon festivities and this time I brought the game "Operation" to pass the time  I did have to come to terms with using the port which in the end wasn't so bad.  After applying ice, it was merely a prick...so all that whining for nothing.  My favorite part of being in the hospital is the blanket warmer.  I will be investing in one of those for home soon.

Kim had explained to her kids in the morning that she was being "Aunt Millie's" buddy at the hospital.  Her 2 year old nodded her head with an all knowing look and said "Boobie" - She understands.

Because my white blood cell count (neutrophils) dropped; I needed to start Neulasta injections early to keep it up and not land back in the hospital with a fever or infection.  I spent a good part of my week, trying to ensure this injection was covered by my health insurance.  It's pretty pricey but consists of only one injection after each treatment.  The alternative is 6-10 injections per treatment.  My aversion to needles, made me scramble to get everything organized in time.

The home care nurse came in on Friday to show me how to inject Neulasta.  After explaining it's a slow release and the needle needs to be on a certain angle; I just decided it is for everyone's best interest that I call in a home nurse each time.  I cannot do this to myself and I want a trained professional who has experience with hundreds of patients, jabbing me with a needle.  Carolyn offered to try to help but my guess is I would be picking her off the floor if she made an attempt.

My nurse also explained that often people will come into my life who are sad, negative or try to tell me what they think is best for my well being.   Some of these people you can convert and others, you may have to leave at the side of the road.  He explained that I am the Poster Child for Modern Day Cancer.  Treatments have progressed so much in the last 15-20 years that my rate of survival is super high.  Mix that with the fact I have no nausea, have an appetite like a horse, still pretty active, no fatigue and a really positive attitude; I already have this licked!!  He recommended to keep doing what I am doing and also offered to have a chat with those who try to tell me differently.

One of the side effects associated with Neulasta injections is sore joints because it stimulates bone marrow to produce neutrophils. It wasn't horrible and nothing a little heating pad couldn't fix.

The biggest side effect after this treatment was fatigue.  I have never been knocked down so hard in my life ...Towards the end of receiving chemo last week, I suddenly felt tired.  Kim said it appeared instantly on my face.  I crawled into bed when I got home and spent a good chunk of the weekend sleeping at the farm.  I didn't even care if a cat was walking across my head at night (which is a strange sensation if you have no hair.) 

But I do love Christmas and managed to decorate the tree, wrap some gifts and do a little baking.  Although I am embracing the fatigue since I had not been able to sleep for weeks; I do feel a little guilty not being my usual power house. 

I still feel like I am in La La land today but have been told it should pass in another day or two.  My appetite hasn't subsided and Carolyn took me to a buffet at lunch to satisfy my cravings.  I pushed my way to the roast beef counter like a zombie in search of brains.  I am worried that I will be the size of a house by the time I finish treatments.

One last cute story - I snuck into church yesterday to watch the children rehearse for their Christmas program.  I likely will not attend the actual program since it will be when I am at my lowest point, have a lot of other things happening between Christmas eve and Boxing day, plus it will likely be a cesspool of germs.  Anyways, my cousin's little guy walked out on the stage, saw me in the back and shouted "Hey Auntie Jen!  My daddy took all his hair off for you!  Its true!  I helped him shaved it!"  He then came to my seat, I let him pull off my hat so he could see my head.  He said it looked a little creepy.  I reminded him that he hasn't had front teeth since August.

"That's right!  You have no hair and I have no teeth"

Perfect red neck family

Later that day I received a text from his father - A picture of him with a shaved head and a note that read "Just my way of saying you are not in this alone.  Anything. Anytime.  You call and we will be there."

Sportin' Jen's gift from L.A. and my new Rammstein toque - I felt super rock 'n roll

Bald as an Eagle

On Wednesday, December 4th around 4:15 PM, I ran my fingers through my hair while on a call.  I looked at my hand and it was full of little blonde hairs.

It was happening.

I texted Laura to let her know that I was ready to shave my head and she promptly called Genevieve at Lucas Nault salon.  We made an appointment for Sunday.

By 10 PM Wednesday evening, I arrived to emergency with a fever and was told the next day I should expect to be in the hospital until Sunday or Monday.  The pillows in my hospital bed were covered in my hair.  When I took a shower, I had little hairs stuck to my body.  Although I still had a lot of hair and it wasn't coming out in patches, this was not working out well.

I knew I would be cranky if I was shedding in my home.  I already hate it when my cats shed and I was worse than them.

Laura and Genevieve were gracious enough to accommodate me at the hospital last night.  The nurses gave us a utility room so that we could have a little privacy.

We used a wheelchair that fits over a toilet as my chair and a hospital gown as my cape.

I thought I was prepared but as Gen picked up her clippers, I cried.  But only for a second...
I guess no matter how much you think you are prepared, when it comes to the final hour, you have a fleeting moment of sadness. This is it. It is not going to grow back tomorrow.  It's going to take a long time... and it will only start after treatments finish in March.

I had two incredible people at my side to share this moment with. Well, actually Laura was in front of me with a camera and Gen was a bit more to the side/rear with her clippers.

Let the games begin!

I am likely never going to have (at least I hope so) another moment like this again; so take advantage.

We fulfilled the desire I had when I was a teenager to do a full punk Mohawk.  Then, we did that 80s look where it was cool to have a shaved head and a little tuft of hair in the front.  Within minutes, it was all off, lying at my feet and I was a bald eagle.

As I walked out of the room to look for a broom, I ran face to face into a friend of mine.  I figured that either through Facebook or mutual friends, she was aware I had been diagnosed with cancer.  Nope and the look of shock and confusion as to why I was standing in the middle of the oncology floor with a bald head was priceless.

Suzy is a very striking woman with gorgeous hair and for a split second, I wanted to grab her by her long luscious black locks and drag her into the room and have Gen shave her down so I could use her hair as a wig.  She has hair that I want!

It is a very weird feeling not to have hair.  It will take a few days to be totally comfortable but so far I am ok with the look.  However, it feels weird to the touch and I feel temperature changes.

I was born a blonde and for a number a years I was a wide variety of colours in the red family but I have never been a brunette, chestnut, chocolate, brown black or other.  I wash my hair every day and there was a point when I would wash it twice day to have a colour within the brown/black family because it will fade to an ugly murky brown.  Now is my chance to have fun and be whatever colour I want.

The Mighty Have Fallen

I jinxed myself....

I knew I was too lucky and being overly cocky because I had not experienced any side effects.

And then on Day 12 it hit me...

I popped into the office super early to grab a few things, grabbed a few groceries on the way home, worked from home until lunch, worked out during lunch at the Maplesoft Centre and by the time I left, felt like a truck ran over me.  I crawled into bed when I got home and took a nap.

Wednesday was even worse.  I woke up and had to message my bosses to let them know I wasn't able to log in and would come online after I sleep a little longer.  I felt a better when I woke and assumed perhaps it was exhaustion from lack of sleep.  My throat was sore, I could feel my temperature rising but I had not reached a fever point.  By evening my temperature had reached the fever mark, waited a little longer, no changes and by 9, I turned to my friend and asked "Can you take me to the hospital please?"

Now since I felt fine and was merely following protocol, I took my time to pack a little package including magazines, water and my travel makeup bag.  I also figured I would be in for a long haul and made a Tim Horton's pit stop. En route, I could feel my body temperature rising and wondered if anyone would notice if I rolled down the window and hung my head out of the vehicle like a dog.

At the hospital, I pulled the cancer card.  No seriously, you are given a card to keep in your wallet that is presented should you wind up in emergency.  You pass the line, don't wait in the waiting room and are taken into care as quickly as possible.  My VIP lounge did not include bottle service but surgical masks.  Meta kept yelling at me to keep my mask on but it is very hard to drink coffee through a mask and by now, my lip gloss had smeared all over the inside of the mask and across my face, making me look like the Joker.

The purpose of having a port is to receive anything via IV and to extract blood without wrecking your veins.   Since I am relatively new to this concept, a bit fearful of the first time I will be "clipped in" and assumed, I was going to be sent home by morning; I told them not to bother and use my veins for blood tests.

When I was in the first grade,  during a routine blood test, I watched the nurse extract vials of blood from me.  Five minutes later, I passed out cold on the steps of the Shawville Hospital.  Ever since I've had an aversion to needles.  I can't watch.

Needless to say I didn't have a warm and fuzzy feeling when I felt the nurse pushing and rubbing against my veins...Oh come on!  There is no way you can't draw blood from that big honking blue vein in my arm.  Then I caught a glimpse of what she was taking out of me.  Aside from maybe 4-6 of the usual vials, another 4 the size of Heinz Ketchup bottles were sitting on the tray!!

I called her a dirty vampire

Xray department didn't play fair either.  They asked if I could stand up - Of course I could.  That was great news for her because she didn't have to take a chest Xray with my lying down.  You mean there is an option?  I was toasty and cozy' snuggled up, under the blankets in my gurney and now she wanted me to get out and stand in the cold?

I was then asked to provide a urine sample.  After drinking a large Timmies (decaf) I was ready to report for duty.  She asked to collect my sample mid stream. Not a problem - Most women may be embarrassed to admit this but lining everything up at the start can be a little difficult, you usually miss and pee on your hand...always happens and always mid stream

My Oncology specialist was a Resident who looked like he was 12 years old and on a class field trip.  He had spoke to his Fellow...which is? He explained the difference between residency and fellowship.

"And after Fellow, you become a Dude?"  I asked

"No, "Staff" but I like your title better"

With whatever leftover blood they had from feeding the vampires in the basement, it indicated my white blood cell was very low and I was being admitted.  There were no rooms available and I was in line for a room.  When the morning nurse started his shift he said typically there are approximately 10 people waiting to be admitted to a room.  On Thursday morning, there were 31 people waiting.  There were beds in their board room, beds lined up in the hallway and at one point, I heard they had no beds.  I was thankful for my little broom closet as I had some privacy.

One thing I was confused about; I why would the nurse do a swab of my ass when I came in complaining of a sore throat?  No one looked at my throat until I brought the issue up again by lunchtime.  They assume it is the start of mouth sores and it will come and go in cycles during treatments. It is annoying as hell.

Spending a night,  listening to everyone in the emergency, is an experience.  To my left was a little old man who had fallen and fractured something.  He was disoriented and would not stay in his bed. Finally by morning, one of the nurses had enough of his antics and told him to settle down; to which he shouted "Shut your f*cking mouth b*tch" and then afterwards asked for assistance get to the washroom to "take a crap"

Across the room was a women vomiting and retching...I closed my curtain

To my right, at one point, was a little old lady who had taken a tumble and was very upset that her assigned nurse was not at her beckon call.  In fact she complained about everything.

Two doors down was another little old lady who sadly tried to commit suicide by taking 4 anti depressants (it was one of those "and you think you have it rough" moments for me) and in the morning she was bragging about how well she slept...Uhm lady, I don't think so because I heard you  talking all night.

Down the hall was another old lady, screaming "Get me out of here!"

I don't think anyone would be surprised if I told them, I didn't sleep that night.  I feel part of the reason I landed in the hospital in the first place is that I have been sleeping poorly for over a week and was run down.  This was not helping the situation and a breath mint would have worked better than the sleeping pill they finally gave me at 4:30 AM.

There is little to no cell phone reception in the emergency ward.  It was late when I decided to go in and I thought I would be released the next morning at some point and therefore, didn't feel the need to tell my folks.  I was admitted by 2:30 AM and certainly was not going to call them and figured I would be put into a room my mid morning at the latest.  But as the day grew on, I heard stories of people spending a few days in emergency due to lack of beds.  I wasn't allowed to leave the area because at this point, was still unsure what caused my fever and could not compromise myself any further.

Carolyn had dropped by early in the morning with some breakfast and thank God because the hospital had nothing to give me to eat until noon.  When she asked what I wanted, I texted "Cheeseburger!  No wait, its too early.  How about a croissant and some fruit?"

I know I am trying to eat healthy but something about hospitals must bring out my bad side.

Anyways she offered to call my folks.  I figured she was the best person because A- my parents know her and B- she has physically seen me in person so she can reiterate I am fine.

Now every one's parents have little quirks.  Amongst mine, my dad believes he is the only person who has a long distance savings plan that allows him to call anyone in Canada for free.  And he wants to make sure he gets his money's worth out of it.   I gave up arguing about 5 years ago that I also had a similar plan and for years, I have called their home, let it ring a few times and then he calls me back.

When Carolyn ran to my place to pick up a few items, she thought maybe it was a good idea to use my land line to call my folks, since they would see the number and answer right away assuming it was me.  Of course they didn't answer and they called back after she walked out the door.  Then they tried my cell which went straight to voicemail.

Shortly after my aunt called to let them know I was in the hospital...didn't tell them which one or why.  The poor man starts calling every hospital in the city.

I was about to go to the bathroom when I heard

"Are you Jennifer?  Your father is on the phone."

Uh oh...

I reassured my parents that I feel fine and the reason for the low cell count and fever is a result of my body reacting to the Chemo.  No big deal - I will start the bone marrow producing injections a little earlier than planned.

After relief sets in, he wants to have a chat.  I am standing at the nurses' station in leggings, an open back, hooked to an IV pole that was last inspected in 2007 (you have a little time on your hands when you are in a hospital,) desperately wanting to pee due to all the hydration.  Not the best time to talk.

Meta and Carolyn were fantastic, taking turns visiting during the day.  Meta snuck in McNuggets.  You know the hospital food is bad when the porter collecting the trays had an envious look when he spied the Golden Arches.  Ang stopped around dinner time and great timing because I promptly turned her around in search of the Tim Horton's for some chili when dinner was served.

By 6:30 PM, I was switched to a bed in the oncology unit.  Finally a real bed, with a shower in the washroom.  Because if I had to stay in emergency, I had made arrangements to take a "shower" where they hose the homeless people off.

Now part of my problem was that I had not been sleeping and the night before was horrendous so I asked the nurse for a sleeping pill stronger than the one the night before.  Or Valium was acceptable.

Whatever she gave me was a miracle.  I was knocked out within half an hour.  The nurse did tell me to signal for her if I wake up in the middle of the night and she would check my vitals at the time.  I pressed the little button when I stirred at 4 AM. 

"Are you ok?" she asked?

"Oh yeah" I replied "I just woke up and thought maybe you would want to check my temperature"

"I did two hours ago but you were out cold and didn't feel a thing.  I took your temperature in your armpit.  All is good."

Now those are some mighty fine drugs!

Week One

I have surpassed my first week after treatments and very happy to report that I have not experienced any side effects yet.  No nausea, vomiting, loss of taste/ appetite, metallic taste in mouth or fatigue. 

7-10 days after chemo is when my immune system is at its lowest and I was trudging through snow to cut spruce boughs to make swags outside the house.  I know this round was my easiest because my body was a "chemo virgin."  It will get worse with each round but I am hoping and praying that because I haven't experienced anything yet, the next time will go smoothly and I can have a decent Christmas and New Years.  After that, January and February are crappy months and hibernation isn't necessarily a bad thing.  My last chemo treatment will be March and I expect to be so bloody happy to have that part of the tour behind me.

By the way - Please do not refer to this as "my journey."  The term is too hokey and too "pink ribbon" for me.  I prefer "Tour" and I'm performing a show at different hospitals in the city.  But my home stage is the General. 

The home nurse came over on Tuesday to remove my tubes.  He was easily 250 lbs and 6'4.  Boy, did they ever stick him in the wrong place.  I have low ceilings.  And he is assigned to me throughout my treatments.  I think when he said "Hopefully I won't have to see you again until the end to gather your file" had a double meaning.   He told me one of the drugs I took the day of my treatment was a steroid.   That explains the chicken wing cravings and sky rocketed appetite.  After he left, I removed the hand held shower, replaced it with my old shower head and took the world's longest shower.  I was in my happy place again.  I now have a large lump under the skin and can feel the tube that goes into my neck.  It's not that bad.  At least, I can work out again; just with some limitations for the next 8 weeks.

I thought I was well prepared to start treatments.  I purchased new humidifiers, gentle skin care, special toothpaste, made arrangements for work, etc.  The one thing I overlooked was snow removal.  I was lying in bed on Tuesday, during the first snow storm of the season when I had an "oh shit" moment around 9:30 PM.  Living in the Market, I have street parking but digging is required when the plow passes.  Now I have a few more weeks of healing around the port area and shoveling is one of the activities that shouldn't be on the list.  Being creative and resourceful, I asked a homeless crack head (he has no fixed address and pretty confident on the latter statement) to shovel and brush off my car for 20$.  Sadly, he got a job and was too tired... 2 nights in a row. 

The hardest part is laying low.  This would have been so much easier if I started treatments in June when people are not sick.  I read Facebook for updates on the cold/flu season like some people check the Weather Network.  Tonight, two new people updated their Facebook statuses to include the flu and its been that way over the past week.  Spies at work inform me as to who is sick.  Needless to say I have stayed at home, with a quick outing for groceries and a walk in the morning for a coffee because I make crappy coffee.  I did sneak out to see my Godson on Friday evening and I was assured the kids were healthy.  We sat in an empty hotel restaurant but I didn't care.  I was so happy to get out of the house and wear makeup.  I alao have been eating very healthy lately and decided to treat myself to a cone of fries and onion rings.  The problem when you cut grease out of your diet for a few weeks, you don't feel so hot when you introduce it back into your diet.  I returned to fruit and salads the next day.  I never thought I would live to see the day where I prefer a salad over fries.

Vonda told me a cute story - Her mother in law asked how I was doing and if I had lost my hair yet.  Vonda told her that I haven't yet but the minute the first clump falls out, I am planning on shaving my head (and in some twisted way, I am curious to see what I look like with no hair.)  Anyways, my God son overheard their conversation and said "Auntie Jennifer is really tough, isn't she?"

That's the best compliment I have received in a long time