Not Letting This Go

It has definitely been a long time since I have posted an entry.  Life has gotten in the way which is a good thing.  Treatments are finished, Dr appointments are minimal, genetic testing is over (all negative,) busy with work,  and duties between Ladysmith and Ottawa.

Organizing the fundraiser has certainly taken up much more time than even I ever imagined.  It has consumed any spare time I had, and more.  There have been tears shed, sleepless nights and frustrations vented.  As much as I try to remind myself of the words I wrote in my last entry with regards to my God child's fundraising campaign; it often gets forgotten.

Now I need to get something off my chest.

Yesterday I was at a store, promoting our event, women in film,  the Cancer Foundation and cancer care in the Ottawa area.  We had a display set up with some information and the purpose was to talk about what we were doing and why we were doing it.  Of course I keep tickets for sale in my purse at all times but also know people would not make such an impulse purchase so the intention was not to make people buy tickets on the spot.

Having worked trade shows, handing out flyers, etc for various things over the years, I am accustomed to people hurrying past, avoiding eye contact while saying "No thanks."  It is the name of the game. They are unaware of who you are, what you are doing and there is a fear that you will try to sell them something.

I approached one man yesterday who brushed past me and very abruptly and, in my opinion, very rudely said "No. I'm not interested!"  To which I retorted; "Well I hope you never need their services."

Now I had his undivided attention.

He stopped, turned and said "I give back many ways.  What a horrible thing to say."  And he kept walking.

He returned a few moments later.  At this point I was speaking with a woman who lost her husband to cancer and whose sister had breast cancer.  I interrupted her and turned to the man and said "I owe this man an apology."

He asked for my name and when I told him; he replied "I'm not letting this go."

Obviously, neither am I as I have spent the last 24 hours thinking about this altercation.

After more thought, I feel the need to clarify what I am apologizing for.  This is my cause and although cancer has touched almost every single person I have met; it doesn't have to be everyone else's cause.  I have no clue who this person is and what his story is.  He may passionately contribute to another great cause that has touched the lives of him and his family.  Maybe he was having a bad day.  Maybe the tone he used with me is how he communicates.  I don't know.

I was raised in an era, where if you were not polite to your elders, you got a good spanking. How I handled the situation was not right and when I am wrong; will admit to it.  Being a better person, requires practice and improvement.  I'm fallible.  So I readily admitted to him that I was wrong. However, I was also raised to stand up for my beliefs, defend myself.  If someone is rude to me, I don't hang my head and shy away.  Its not in my nature.

So this entry is my way of putting out my apology and explanation into the universe in hopes that it may reach him.

I apologize for the bad timing of my comment and for my motivation of saying it. For a split second I instinctively felt the urge to defend my cause.  I  will admit the delivery was a retaliation to him just "not being interested" in cancer care.

Planning this fundraiser was my and Jennifer's way of helping many people at one time.  On Friday, I had passed by the chemo unit at the hospital.  I believe every single bed and chair was full. My heart went out to all of them.

 We selected the Cancer Foundation because they provide funding for research, counselling  and many other services that are not just for the patient but also their loved ones who are as equally affected.  The Cancer Foundation is bound by geographical limits so they not provide support to our Ottawa friends and families but also in the Pontiac.  I will admit that this fundraiser is part of a sub concious healing process for me, in that I can find a purpose behind my diagnosis.

Therefore,  I will NOT apologize for my words spoken to him

"I hope you never need their services."

It is NOT a horrible thing to say.  In fact, my regret is that I wish I had said it to everyone who passed by me.

I never hope anyone has sit through two weeks of emotional and psychological hell, only to be told "Yup, you have cancer."

I never hope a child looks their parents in the eye and says "I have cancer" and subsequently watches their emotions

I never hope anyone has to put their life on hold to receive treatments.

I never hope for anyone to be cancer free but always in the back of their head, have a fear of it returning and wonder if every ache and bump could be cancer.

I never hope for anyone to hold the hand of their breast cancer buddy while at the funeral for their  young friend with two small children who lost their cancer battle that seemed perfectly healthy three weeks earlier.

I never hope anyone calls the widow of a friend who lost his battle while she explains the final weeks of her husbands life.  Expressing his anger, his desire "to do things differently," securing all affairs, expressing "funeral wishes,"  the incoherence caused by the pain medication and his final moments.

I never hope anyone receives a call from a scared friend who is being tested for cancer and as they try to assure them everything will be alright;  says;"I don't think I can handle treatments.  I want to run away and die alone."

I never hope anyone reaches out to a high school friend whom you have not spoken to in years, after receiving news they are stopping his father's cancer treatments to offer emotional support.

I truly and sincerely hope that this man or anyone else will never require support, treatments, services related to cancer.

I'm not letting go until I have touched, helped and supported as many people as God will let me.

Life Lessons from an Eight Year Old

Now that I am finished treatments and life is supposed to return to normal.  I decided to complicate it again and start a fundraiser with Jennifer.

Vixens Victorious was created by Jennifer and myself as our way to give back to the community.  So far it has been an incredible learning experience and I am amazed at my drive and determination to make our film festival fundraiser, Lights! Camera! CURE! a success.

But it has not been easy – There have been challenges and successes.  This is a lot of hard work - Even more than I anticipated in order to get things moving and so many little details to consider.  Between my regular job and the fundraiser, I feel like I am working two full time jobs.  There are weeks where I dedicate 15-17 hours during lunch or evenings to this project.  There are sleepless nights, worrying about how we are going to accomplish everything we set out to do and the little hamster in my head, spins constantly in its wheel

Our committee is a great group of girls but I need to constantly remind myself that they have jobs, lives and families.  Although I do push them to remain accountable for what they have agreed to do and respect deadlines, I cannot expect them to live, eat and breathe Vixens Victorious.   I must admit that I get frustrated because being a German Virgo, I like to be in control and know exactly what is happening at all times.  Some days, I wonder if we are taking on too big of a project during our first year and we should have started with a bake sale. 

Last week I received a call from my 8 year old god daughter and she really put things into perspective for me.

Actually she called the week before and I missed her call because I was at a meeting.  I tried calling back without success so I emailed her mother to let her know that I have been very busy but will try to get back in touch soon.  He mom replied that Chelsey had something she wanted to share with me.

The guilt set in and I wished I would have tried harder to reach her.

Five days later, I called Chelsey as soon as she got home from school.  She wanted to tell me that she and her friends sold rainbow loom bracelets to raise money for cancer (research.)  Furthermore, I learned this was her initiative and her parents were not aware of what she was doing. Her mother wanted to donate the amount to our event, Lights! Camera! CURE!

I was completely humbled and ashamed.  I have been so wrapped up in my own world that I have begun to lose sight of what the end goal really is: To selflessly give.  Naturally, I want to raise as much money as possible, but if my contribution is only 1$, then I have still made a difference (please note I really hope it is more than 1$)  An eight year girl took it upon herself to utilize her talents in making bracelets and sell them to people who wanted to help.  I don’t think she cared who bought her bracelets or even how much she sold them for.  Her action plan was simple and her goal of just selling bracelets to raise money for a good cause was front row and centre in her mind.

Furthermore, I delayed getting back to Chelsey, making her wait to share with me her news

We were raised in a faith based home.  Church and Sunday school were part of a routine for me, as it is for Chelsey.  When I think about our call, and how excited she was to tell me; tears form in my eyes.  I am reminded of a line in the Christmas hymn; In the Bleak Midwinter

What can I give him, as poor as I am? 

If I was a shepherd, I would give a lamb….

Yet what can I give?  Give with my heart

I am so proud of her and want to encourage the spirit of giving in her.  If she has started at 8 years old, what can she do when she is 28 years old or 38 years old?

Instead of wondering if we took on too big of a project, I wonder if I possess the right type of leadership skills, to co- direct with Jennifer a project such as this.  I need to learn patience, humility, determination and more compassion than what I have.  It’s something I need to work on.

Again this week, I was further encouraged by my friend Joe.  During a conversation he reminded me how cool it was to be doing something where I am doing something that doesn’t increase my bank account but in the end should make me grow as person. 

Yeah.  He is right. That is pretty cool and I hope Chelsey follows in her aunti Jen's footsteps 

Chelsey and I  - Christmas 2013

This Ship Sails Out of the Port

I had my port removed yesterday. 

The port was a small device inserted into my chest, just days before I started chemo.  It allowed me to receive treatment without destroying what little veins I would have left (as chemo therapy can make veins collapse)  It was inserted into my chest, just under the collar bone and a small tube was attached to a vein in my neck.

It was a life saver, however in the past few months, there were a few minor issues with using it.  It seems to be been clogged periodically.  Nothing visible showed up in Xrays, and we assumed there may have been a kink in the tube.   It usually worked after performing after a variety of movements recommended by the nurses, including the hokey pokey and the YMCA while standing on my head.

I was looking forward to having the port removed. I received a fantastic sedation during the insertion which made me, at least in my opinion, incredibly funny.  So funny that I repeat my one punch lines 3-4 times.  So you can imagine to shock and disappointment when I was told there would only be a local freezing.

I sat down for my pre consult with the nurse

“So last time you were here, we had sedated you…”

I interrupt her; “Yes please!” 

“Well, you won’t be receiving it this time.  It is just a freezing.” 

She then proceeded to go into the details of how the report will be removed.  I don’t need or want to know the gory details.  I am quite content in my ignorance.  Besides, it is going to happen whether I know how it is accomplished or not. 

I argued well into the procedure that it would be more enjoyable for all of us if I was drugged. 

The procedure was rather quick and effortless.  I experienced a little discomfort and wiggled like a three year old while the doctor removed the tubing and port. 

I asked to see what it looked it….a small white plastic box with a silicon circle.  I could see all the needle points in the silicon, representing each time I received a treatment.  Quite fascinating how what appears to be a simple piece of plastic could alleviate so much discomfort to the body.

Post care includes keeping the bandages on until Sunday, no gym or heavy lifting for a week, Tylenol for any pain and the part I dreaded to hear the most…

“No showers until at least Sunday.”

Yeah – like that is going to happen.  As soon as I got home last night, I installed my hand held shower and auditioned for the circus once again; which is how I describe taking a shower, without getting the bandages wet

The port had become a part of my body for the past 17 months.  I often forgot it was there.  It didn’t cause me any pain or discomfort and had it not been for the “clogging” issue, could have cared less whether they removed it or left it in. I never thought much about it.

Now I really do not need to ever think about it again.

The Birth of Vixens Victorious

Today something beautiful was born and officially introduced to the world!

Vixens Victorious – a fundraising organization, co founded with my childhood friend, Jennifer; is comprised of an incredibly talented and dedicated group of women who we have met and worked with over the years.  We support the Ottawa Regional Cancer Foundation by raising awareness and much needed funds to support research, clinical trials and vital programs that are made available to people whose lives have been impacted by cancer, within our community.

Why do I liken to a birth of a child?

Cancer is an ugly thing.  In addition to my own challenges during the last year and a half, I witnessed others around me.  In the chemo unit, I watched others who, while receiving treatment, seemed not to be handling it well, physically or emotionally.  Last summer, I lost a former employer and friend to cancer.  Later in October, I watched a young family bury a fellow vixen and just recently, attended a visitation on Monday for a friend whose father lost his battle with cancer.  I spoke with friends have been tested and some diagnosed with the dreaded c word.  They confided in me their darkest thoughts and fears.  Hearing someone you care about tell you they would prefer to “run away and die alone” is gut wrenching but when you have walked in their shoes, you understand.

But there is a positive side.  I have told you many times that cancer has changed my life…and for the better.  I want to help.  I want to do something meaningful.  As my chemo ended, I started to ponder about how I could give back to the community and the Cancer Foundation, which has given so much to me.  In the fall of 2014, Jennifer approached me with the idea of a film festival and Vixens Victorious was born.

This tour is not what I expected it to be.  At the start, I wanted to receive treatment, get well and move on; with a little rock n roll flair and humor along the way.  If you would have told me; that I would be launching a fundraiser in 2015, I would have rolled my eyes.  And yet here I am.

In fact when Christian was in town for my last chemo, he encouraged me to consider starting a fundraiser or non-profit….and I think I did roll my eyes at him.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was afraid to tell Jennifer.  Her mother had lost her battle to pancreatic cancer only a month earlier.  She had been diagnosed just 8 weeks before!  It was a difficult and frustrating process for Jennifer and at that point, she and her siblings were still in the process of settling affairs.  I didn’t want to add to her emotions, burdens or stress.  If you would have told me in August 2013, that Jennifer and I would be putting on a film festival to raise funds for the community, I would not have believed you.

Our committee is comprised of women that we have met over the years.  We have former colleagues – I worked with Vivian at Holt Renfrew over 10 years ago.  Paula and I worked together six years ago.  Team Captain Meta was a no brainer, as was my colleague Pam.  But I have always admired these women and they are an incredible addition to our team.   Emily has worked with Jennifer for a long time and her connections and talents will make the film selection amazing.  We have other friends – I have known Brigitte the least longest but we hit it off right away and I am so happy that she decided to join us.   And we are so lucky to have friends such as Laura, Moreen and Anne who are contributing to the cause as well.  Again, if you would have told me in August 2013 that these amazing women would meet, come together and commit the level of time and energy we expect from them in order to make Lights! Camera! CURE! a success, I would have said “not likely.”

So out of a crappy situation that some will view as bleak, desolate and dark; rises something incredibly beautiful -  A group of women who have also been affected by cancer, in one way or another, have banded together and will stand beside Jennifer and myself.  Vixens Victorious is our baby and we are very proud of our beautiful baby.  We have the same expectations as a parent.  We will love, support and nurture it, hoping that Vixens Victorious grows into something great which improves our community and subsequently, the world!

www.vixensvictorious.ca

BRCA Mutations: Not Quite Xmen Style

Earlier last week, Angelina Jolie made headlines with her decision to remove her ovaries and fallopian tubes.  A few years ago, she tested positive for a mutation in her BRCA1 gene that makes her pre disposed to having breast and ovarian cancer.  To be proactive, she has chosen a full mastectomy, and her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed

Ironically, I started the process for genetic testing last week to see if I carry the mutation.

The request was made in November 2013 after my diagnosis and only now am I starting the process.  It is a very costly test and obviously there are priority cases ahead of me (couples trying to conceive, children born with something that could be tied to genetics, etc)

A year and half after diagnosis, I enter CHEO to speak with a genetic counsellor. 

The cause of cancer can be broken down into three categories:

60% - is sporadic

30% - is familial (multiple reasons)

5-10% - is hereditary

Hereditary cancer is suspected when several family members in more than one generation are diagnosed before the age of 50 with cancer.  Geneticists look for patterns in the family’s medical history

We begin by reviewing my cancer diagnosis, treatment and then review my family history.

“Boy, do you ever have a small family!” She remarked

“Yeah,” I think to myself “and this is exactly why I fought so hard for testing.”

The original observation was there was no family history of breast cancer but once you draw my family tree, you will also see there are not enough women/people to form a strong opinion, one way or another.  I am an only child, so was my father and few women when you reach my grandparents’ siblings. 

The first observation was that a paternal great aunt who was also diagnosed before the age of 50.  There are a couple of other noted cases of cancer but that occur later on in life. 

She then asks if any of my parent’s first cousins have cancer.  Now growing up in a small community where everyone is related, answering these questions is relatively easy.  Jeez – I can back as far as third cousins’, twice removed if she wishes.

Then she asks if there is any Jewish ancestry in the family.  I mention, not thinking it would be relevant, that apparently my great, great, great grandmother was Jewish.  I walked into this counselling session with a 1.6% chance of carrying the mutation.  Now my chances for testing positive, just shot up. 

“Really?”  I ask “But we are going back to late 18^th century!” 

It doesn’t matter how far back.  The instant there is any trace of Jewish ancestry, the chances of testing positive are higher.

The counsellor then reviews the type of treatment options I may want to consider should I test positive:

Breasts: Frequent MRIs, in addition to mammograms or a full mastectomy

Ovaries: Testing for ovarian cancer is very difficult (internal ultrasounds can be performed but since it is hard to even find your ovaries on the ultrasound, finding cancer is even more of a challenge).  You can test your CA125 levels, which at this time I am not sure exactly what that means or you can go the surgical route and remove ovaries.

Maybe it is considered dramatic but I am in favour of the surgical route for both.

Since I am not planning on having children, this is not an issue.  After experiencing a post chemo menopause during the summer, if there is not urgency to remove my ovaries, I would likely wait a little while longer before I have the surgery.  Hot flashes are about as exciting as jabbing myself repeatedly with a fork.

We also discussed the pros and cons of knowing if I carry the BRCA mutation;

Pros:

1.        It will explain why I got breast cancer in the first place

2.       I will know if I am at a higher risk for a reoccurrence but look at the above options to reduce my risk

3.       It will alert my family that the mutation is in our family and they can monitor themselves accordingly

4.       Family members can also test to see if they have the mutation

Cons:

1.        Create a constant worry – Am I ticking time bomb?

2.       Parents can feel extreme guilt with regards to causing their child to develop cancer

3.       Tension within the family.  Some family members may want to know as it creates anxiety.

4.       Difficulty or Inability to get life insurance

Wow!  I didn’t think of the cons and how it would affect my loved ones.  I am fine with myself – I already battled cancer and in my head, I wouldn’t be shocked if it returned.  I just expect it much later in life the second time around.  But the thought of my parents blaming themselves or causing stress on others as they try to start their families with this knowledge in the back of their minds, etc; made me feel really sad.  And I started to cry…and I continued to be emotional about it throughout the day.

The next morning, I discussed the pros and cons with my dad.  I should have figured he has no guilt and assured me that this test would help the family in taking care of themselves and getting checked regularly – which ultimately is a good thing.

Getting back to the testing

I decided there was no turning back while I was at the counsellor and moved forward with the testing. 

It is a simple blood test and results take 4-6 to return. 

I go to the lab in CHEO to get my bloodwork done.  I tell the technician that I am more of a “baby” when it comes to drawing blood than the four year old that was ahead of me.  She offers to freeze my arm.

“You can do that??”

Now why don’t they do that anywhere else?  That would have saved a whole lot of headaches.

“Can I have a sticker?”

I sort through the drawer and select Spiderman and Hot Wheels stickers for my nephews.

And now I wait for the results

The New Normal

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions!

My post treatment mammogram did not go exactly as planned on February 24th.  I got a call back two days later that I required more tests....WTF???

I just broke down at my desk.  How could this happen?  What did they find?  Immediately, I reached out to some fellow vixens.  They were able to calm me down.  Two of them received a call back when they had their mammograms.  Phew!  I was still worried but likely it was nothing.

I called my family physcian that evening.  She had not received a report yet and assured me that because I had just gone through cancer treatment and at a very young age, everyone is going to scrutinize my tests.

I felt better and when I had my physical a couple of days later, read the report.  It talked of a nodule in the left breast at 6 O'clock.  "Well that's the same lump I had biopsied in 2011.  That's no big deal.  The last report said 4-5 O'clock but tomatoe/tomato.  Right?"

Turns out it isn't the same lump.  Its a new lump and the process began again.

When I started my blog, it was just before my surgery in October 2013 and I had already been struggling with the emotions that are associated with cancer for about two months.  As you may have read, I talked about the emotions surrounding the testing period and dealing with the unknown.  But by the time I expressed these feelings here, my mindset had shifted to determination and wanting to get treatment over with.

I have waited until I had a proper diagnosis from my medical team before posting this.  But I wanted a raw entry about my feelings with each test/appointment.  This post has been in the works since March 3rd as a draft. As I re-read this, although there were some less than pretty days, I am proud how I pulled myself out of a slump.

Day 1:
Yesterday, Meta came with me to visit my oncologist.  After my appointment the day before with my family physician, I figured there was not going to be any new information.  Its just a change to a lump that was already in my breast.

As I walking out the door, I got a call from my surgeon's office to book an appointment..  Hmmmm....that was a little unnerving.  Well maybe, they want to remove the lump or just having her on stand bay in case a needle biopsy is required.

When I arrived to my oncologist, Dr Song and another oncologist, Dr Jacobs entered the room.  There were a lot of concerned faces and I was told that a new lump has appeared next to the old one.  There was a 50/50 chance that cancer has returned but judging by what happened next, both doctors were leaning towards cancer.  They wanted to move quickly and determine if it is cancer; and what kind because it may not be HER2+ this time around.  They were happy that my surgeon had already reached out.  I already had an ultra sound booked on March 11th (and don't get me started on that clusterfuck) and they would try to squeeze me in for an MRI before the end of the month.  They also wanted to expedite my genetic testing as it could affect my treatment, should I carry a predisposition.

That was about the exact moment, I broke down.  What the fuck was the last year and a half for?

And I was right back where I started in August 2013.

As we approached my office, I broke down sobbing.  Meta just drove right past my building and said "You are coming home with me."  And just like last time, broke out some alcohol and let me sit there and cry.  Meta and I both looked at one another and she said "Jen, They think you have cancer."  Yup I had to agree.

So this is what rattles around in my brain next:
So did my treatment not work and now I'm full of cancer?
What is my life expectancy?  Am I going to die?  I don't want to die
Why does this happen to me?
God must really hate me
Will I handle this as well as the first time?
Should I just throw in the towel?
Why am I reacting this way?  I have been preaching how I am never going to let cancer win and here I am, right back where I started.  I am scared, vulnerable and helpless.  My skin is blotchy, I haven't eaten and my eyes are swollen from crying.  I know I should not be hard on myself but why am I letting this disease beat me??

By the time I went to bed, I felt a little stronger and had a bit of a "you are going to kick ass again" moment.  I slept well but by the time I rolled into the office, I was crying again.

So far in the last two days, I prefer just being alone as opposed to being surrounded by friends.  I haven't decided if that is good or bad.

Day 7:
Had my MRI this morning.  I laughed when the technician was walking me through the process and letting me know that an MRI is nothing to be afraid of.

"I'm not afraid of the MRI.  I'm afraid of the results." I tell him

Since you are forced to lie still, face down for 20 minutes, they offer to place headphones over your ears and you can listen to the radio.  They asked what radio station I prefer as I walked in.  I liked the house music they were playing but quickly realized that was the sound of the MRI machine....

I decided on a local country music station since they advertise "10 000 songs in a row."  Of course when they place the headphones on my head it is commercial time and when the machine starts, it is so noisy I can't hear music any ways.

Last Thursday I was beginning to return to my old self.   My appetite was coming back and I wasn't breaking down every hour.  We did a work team building activity and it certainly got my mind off the situation.  I don't think I have cried since Thursday morning

I have suffered from somewhat frequent nightmares and night terrors, my whole life.  It is hard to explain but I dream that I am in a bad or violent situation.  But I know its a dream and all I need to do is wake myself up.  So I start screaming or shouting "Wake up"  At first I can't make a sound but I keep trying harder and harder and eventually I wake myself up (shouting in my sleep....Jeez I guess I am even loud when I am sleeping) and then I'm fine.

I equate my reaction to Tuesday's news as the same as waking myself up from a nightmare.  Not the situation itself.  Trust me; this cancer scare shit is very real and it's happening.  But how I react, feels like a bad dream.  I said I would never let it invade my spirit and here I am, once again, letting it affect my daily routine.  I am stronger and better than this and I needed to pull myself out of it.  I need to wake up

During my lunch on Friday, I met a man who was blind and in a wheel chair; feeling his way along a building.  I stopped to offer help.  He was simply trying to make his way to the next door to get a hair cut....I felt humbled.  He faces challenges every day just to accomplish simple tasks like making it down the street.  We are all faced with challenges of varying degrees.  I posted a quote on Facebook "Being challenged is inevitable.  Being defeated is optional."  I see a new tattoo in my future.

Day 8:
Today was another mammogram and ultrasound.  Meta came with me into diagnostic imaging area, despite protests of the staff.  Thank goodness!  My wait time was almost 2 hours and if I had to sit there alone, I would have been a puddle.  It was a busy place.  I overheard one woman tell another that she found a lump.  There was another woman, that Meta and I seemed noticed who seemed visibly upset/nervous.  I regret not giving her a hug.  I was lucky enough to have support with me.

I had the same technicians from my mammogram, two weeks earlier.  They were incredibly sympathetic and one hugged me as I started to cry.  She showed me what they found in the last mammogram and it was a small lump of aprx 9 mm.  Considering my last lump was 2 cm, that didn't seem so bad.  It's deep and near my rib cage so it was difficult to get good images and likely why I didn't feel it.  They did the best they could to get clear shots.  It's worse than picture day in school.

After waiting for an eternity, I went in for my ultrasound.  The technician said very little except to anticipate a biopsy.  I already know that.  I wish they would have told me more and I argued that the psychological damage is already done so there isn't much more they can say or do. Their retaliation is that they are not doctors and the mammograms/ultrasound and MRI need to be reviewed together.

It's interesting to see the difference in attitude between the mammogram technicians and the ultrasound technicians.  One of the mamo techs' mother is currently going through breast cancer testing/diagnosis.  I'm putting money down on the possibility the ultrasound techs haven't had breast cancer hit close to home.

But looking for hope, I left, as Meta describes, "cautiously optimistic."  I looked for signs:  After a few images, I asked if the lump had "little legs"  One technician answered an undefined "No" but when I asked again, neither would confirm or negate.  This time the radiologist was not present and they certainly didn't take dozen of images.  That's hopeful??

Day 8 - 7:00 PM
I was out having dinner with Ang and noticed I missed a call from my family Dr.  Crap!  I have instructed her to always leave a voice mail - no matter what the news.

Her message started out with "I'm sorry to leave a voicemail...."

I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

She continued; "But I wanted to let you know that you can breathe easier tonight...."

The lump appears to be benign.

I started crying tears of happiness at the table.  I looked over at Ang and tears were running down her face too.

I remain cautiously optimistic.

Day 15

I saw my surgeon and it was a brief and positive appointment.  She is very confident that the tumour is benign and a biopsy is not necessary.

She cringed when I told her that I want a full mastectomy with reconstruction and reminded me that it isn't a simple surgery and my breasts won't look the same.  I explained how I went completely crazy for two weeks.  I can't live like this with each mammogram.  There has been five lumps found in my breasts over the years.  Four are considered benign and the other one?  Well, you know the story there.  The next mammogram or the one after will not be any different.....My track record is lumps; good or bad

She understood my point and I assured her that I will think very hard and research before making a decision.

I still need to complete my genetic testing before any thing can be done.  The outcome will determine what kind of mastectomy and how much they will take away.  It will take about 1-2 months to get those results.

If I chose to use my surgeon, she does the "removal" part and she has one plastic surgeon that she prefers to work with who does the reconstruction.  But he has a lengthy wait list.  Again, I am fine with taking time to make a clear educated decision. I just googled him and he has good reviews.

So this is my new "life."  Every time a test pulls up something abnormal, my medical team swings into "combat" mode to quickly determine if it is cancerous or not.  Hopefully, as time passes, these situations become fewer and fewer.

In the mean time, I can plan a well deserved vacation

End of the Line

Wow!  Tomorrow is the big day....My very last treatment.

I hope my last cancer treatment forever.

Its been one hell of a year and a half  I have learned so much about myself, about others, about cancer.

When I started chemo in November 2013, I would only focus on the following three weeks.  That was the exact amount of time it took for my immune system to hit rock bottom and swing upwards, just in time to receive another treatment.  I certainly didn't think about February 2015 and being finished. In fact even when chemo and radiation ended and I was receiving just Herceptin, I never gave the end date a second thought until the nurses commented at my December treatment that I only had three treatments left.

"Really???  That's it?"

My gut reaction included how I was going to miss the nurses and everyone I met in the chemo unit. What an incredibly caring bunch of people.   There was also an uneasiness that maybe I needed more cancer treatments.  Could my oncologist not give me something else just to make sure cancer doesn't return?

The question I get asked the most by people is "What's next?"

1. The nurses in the chemo ward are not entirely rid of me yet.  I still need to pay them a visit every three months to flush my port until it is removed.  Depending on what my Oncologist advises, it could be there up to five years.  But since I have been having issues draining the port, I suspect it will come out sooner rather than later.  But even "sooner" can take up to a year as it is more important for someone, starting treatment to receive a port rather than little old me getting one out.  However, I look forward to that glorious day of more sedation.

2. I have a post treatment mammogram and ultra sound.  This will be the first one since August 16th 2013... The one where it all began.  I am a little nervous about the mammogram part.   The scar tissue has made it hard to determine if there are any lumps in the area and post surgery tingling can create a little paranoia.  What if they find another lump? What if the last year was all for nothing?  One can't help but wonder.

3. Visit with my Oncologist - post mammogram and every six months afterwards.  In between I visit my Radiation Oncologist.  I forget how long that lasts and after a while the visits become less frequent.

4. Another echo in about a year to make sure that the Herceptin treatments haven't damaged the way blood flows into my heart

I am a little nervous at times about being released back into the wild.  I was warned by my Oncologist.  You have been followed so closely and receive treatments that in theory kill everything and then one day it stops.  Its like taking the blanket away from Linus

Another part of me has already moved on.  I forget to check my messages and have lost track of an appointment here and there....That's ok .  I still visit the hospital enough times that someone keeps me in check.

The main thing I need to do, post treatment is to continue living....Live every day to its fullest.  I am already starting to plan another year of amazing experiences; including one of  the biggest and most rewarding  experiences:   Planning a fundraiser with Jen...The two Jens!  Back in action and an almighty force.

Since I started treatment, I thought about how I could give back  to the cancer community.  I was so fortunate to have the support I did from family and friends.  The treatments were not too hard on my system and from a psychological/ emotional point, I think I handled everything well.  When Christian was in town last March, he was already planting the seed to start my own fundraiser.  Of course I wanted to get through surgery, radiation and the remainder of my treatments.  8 months later, Jen approached me with a film festival idea she had and the wheels started to turn!  Stay tuned for amazing stuff to happen by a group of women who answer to the name Vixens Victorious!

Sometimes I think I am too ambitious, too early in the game.  What if cancer returns?  What if  I am not as resilient to treatments? My immune system has not returned to where it was before all of this began. I have been consistently sick with a cold or flu this winter. I get discouraged at times but remind myself that I am ten times more active than someone who has not had cancer treatments

At the end of the day I am incredibly proud of myself. How I handled dealing with Cancer, how I have tried to give back and how I have grown emotionally